From the Onion, a first-timer messes up the Iditarod.

After running directly into the grandstands during the Iditarod’s ceremonial start and veering 55 miles off course late Tuesday to chase a marmot, Siberian husky and rookie sled dog Melvin apologized to his musher and fellow canines Wednesday for making a complete fool of himself in the early stages of the annual 1,150-mile race.

“First Iditarod jitters, I guess,” the visibly contrite Melvin told reporters Wednesday at the Rainy Pass checkpoint. “I feel like such a moron. Here I am in the last great race on earth and I’m blowing it. I mean, 100 times out of 100, when my musher yells, ‘Gee,’ I turn right. But yesterday I go left down an icy slope into a bunch of evergreens and nearly break everyone’s neck.”

That sounds like Cooper. Last Saturday we were walking down a trail from some bluffs to a beach, and he thought it would be a good idea for him to leave the trail and try to walk down the very steep muddy wet slope. I explained to him that it wouldn’t.

Melvin has gotten his squad into several embarrassing scrapes thus far, one of which occurred at Willow Lake when, in an effort to find a place to nap, he twirled around three times while still in full harness, fouling his lines and entangling his team in multiple snarls. In addition, as the team was on route to Skwentna, a child spectator threw an imaginary stick over the team, and Melvin chased it 300 miles back to the first checkpoint at Yentna Station.

That’s the part where I lost it, and I’m in the library. I’ll be so happy when my connection hardware is fixed.

“I’m too ‘in my head’ right now, you know? I have to remember my training from when I was a pup and just be natural,” said the dog, adding that despite his most recent failures, he believes he was born for this. “No more stopping in the middle of a run to find a private place to go to the bathroom. Why would I even do that? I know I’m running in the Iditarod, for crying out loud. And I’m certainly not going to sprint into my teammates ever again, because that means I’m destroying our neck and tug lines, and I’m going completely the wrong way.”

“I need to stay focused,” Melvin continued. “Also, I think I’m going to go chase that big moose over there.”

Squirrel!

H/t Barbara