…assuming the mantle
I didn’t get it, and I haven’t got it for most of the time. I’m only just getting it – the faux-masculine shibboleths that I’m expected to observe, in order to be ‘one of the guys’.
Especially the degradation of women as rite of passage.
Don’t get me wrong…
I’m nobody’s knight in shining armour (I think this will be the last time I repeat this for some time), and I don’t believe in chivalry towards women – chivalry, as opposed to decency, assumes that women are frail objects to be protected like delicate porcelain in a world they’re not equipped to deal with. Women are no such thing.
I’ve got an interest in this. If pseudo- and actual misogyny are used as defining criteria for what it is to be masculine, then I consider that an imposture. I don’t want that group identity lumbered on me, and moreover, I’m willing, if imposed upon, to fight for my stake in masculine culture to the exclusion of other men.
Gentlemen, if you’re going to make an asshole out of yourself in the first instance, I’m not going to take much notice when you make squeals of indignation, when you get a little comeuppance. That is unless, I find it justifiable, useful, and entertaining, to laugh at you.
Seriously though, some men really shit me. The things that some of you expect me to take on board as normal, or healthy, or unappealing-but-otherwise-not-rebarbative.
[Trigger warning: There isn’t anything explicit beyond this point, but the subject matter is rather dark, delving into the dank, unsanitary world of misogyny, as it does].
***
Back in the early 1990s, I liked to particularly geeky genres – anime and horror. And I don’t mean just any old anime – the big budget stuff, with watercolour landscapes and the like. As for horror, I liked a good dose of black humour and slapstick – not the sadism that passes for a horror movie these days.
So… I was introduced by one of The Guys, to another one of The Guys, who knew a thing or two about anime – this guy was really nerdy, as in poor social skills, and never talking to women. All the same, I took the guy’s recommendation on face value.
I had no idea what I’d unleashed.
So I forked out $35 on a VHS cassette of some anime that I hadn’t seen before, that was horror, and was R-rated. Nothing on the cassette, at first glances, even suggested what sadistic crap I was going to be exposed to (and keep in mind, my revulsion, even though this stuff was heavily censored).
Basically, the Internet being what it is, people are going to have some idea of what I ran into. Rape, murder, torture, cannibalism, all sensationalised and eroticised, little of which even the cutting of swathes of footage managed to hide particularly well.
(No, I’m not advocating censorship – I’m pointing out how rotten the uncensored product, and the mind of its creators, must be).
This wasn’t a horror movie, although I was horrified – traumatised into disbelief, at first, actually. This was animated snuff for sickos.
And the sickest part, you ask?
The level of acceptance amongst some of The Guys. Hell, there was backslapping, and in-jokes, and ideations, and apologetics, and… You don’t want to know.
Suffice to say I conveniently lost contact with all of the individuals concerned by the end of the 90s, before I lost all control and went on a rage.
***
I didn’t get then, that the degradation of women was expected as a practice amongst the group members. Why would this be necessary?
It gets worst, it seems, the older the guys get. Or at least, the older and lonelier the guys get.
(It never occurs to them, that being like they are, being left well alone may actually be on balance, morally desirable – context like mental health care, to be taken into account).
Months ago, while the Internet, and in particular the atheist part of it, were arguing about male privilege, and neckbeards, and sexual harassment, and sexual liberalism, and the like, I was gradually, and unwittingly extricating myself, via conflict, from the company of a few sad old men. I treated it, as a one-on-one, man0-a-mano (if you’ll allow the mistranslation), arrangement, where I’d pick my differences with one of the guys, and nobody else was bound to pick a side.
As I whittled my way though acquaintances, as the remainder of the group became smaller and smaller, my understanding became deeper, and my barbs more articulate. Eventually, I was able to cut to the wrongness underpinning people’s behaviours – self-pity, the objectification of women (and girls), sexual entitlement bias, selfishness, victim-blaming in matters of sexual harassment, and so on.
Once the penny had really dropped, all of a sudden, my one-on-one style of conflict, which had unanimously been agreed to be a virtuous approach, was up-ended, and the remainder of the group simply rounded the wagons and cut me off. The group, defended as a group, and as far as I’m concerned, marked themselves as pathetic in the process.
Don’t think though, that I’d reverse the consequences – I’m much happier now.
***
It’s not just the sexually pathetic, though. Old rockers, old punks, and other aging edgy sorts, too often when meeting me for the first time, use the words ‘cunt’, ‘slut’, ‘scrag’, ‘bitch’, and the like, the way the occasional rapping grandpa uses a back-to-front cap. ‘What’s up, my dawgs?’
This does not impress me.
Why on Earth do I have to take just an even share of the masculine group identity with this sad bunch? Why am I expected to assumed the mantle shared by yet another tragic victim of the male menopause?
Men can be better than this.
And don’t go all old school on me, you ‘Women Know Their Rights Too Well These Days’ tragics. You know what’s also a masculine tradition? Stepping outside.
Yes, I know it’s a stupid tradition – I just find it odd that while some guys think it’s stupid as well, they’re still happy to hold onto the misogyny.
***
There’s a silver lining on this aerial-turd of a dark cloud. (If you think this is a mixed-metaphor, wait ‘till it starts raining).
I’ve literally spent years ruminating on this garbage, which has made me investigate, which has made me sick and depressed, which has made me ruminate, which has made me… ad nauseam.
(This actually has, ultimately, induced nausea and vomiting).
During the less sane, more-damaged periods of my life (1998-2001), while not actually making me dangerous, this culture of misogyny has driven me to scary, unpredictable, social ineptitudes, miscues, and miscommunications. I’ve since fought back from there, obviously, but it’s still been perplexing and frustrating.
The upside, if you can call it that, is that I can intuit this kind of thing now. I’ve got a feel for what makes these guys tick, and I don’t have to engage in any lengthy study to get the needed grasp. I don’t need to damage myself anymore, through the high-fidelity surveying of the sewers of the woman-hating mind.
I’m now a position to retaliate, with less risk to my own mind.
No, I’m not about to single anyone out, or psychoanalyse them. I have no business deploying professional diagnostic tools in such a capacity.
My angle is playing on the insecurities, the infantile pettiness, and the absurdities that underlie this broken, failed masculinity. If anyone will be outed, it’ll be the neckbeards outing themselves in fits of rage, if they choose to retaliate.
I enjoy being a man. I don’t enjoy having my satisfaction disrupted by men who need to feel bad about women, just to feel good about being men themselves.
This is my shtick – where there is entitlement, and self-pity in these matters, I’m going to be unsettling. I’m not responding so much to recent events in the atheosphere (although there is that), and again, I’m not singling-out or piling-on.
A need to do this has been around longer than the recent clashes in my social proximity, and it’s a need that’s at least deeply engrained within me – carved into me.
I hope to unsettle, to induce doubt in misogynists (and racists, and ablists, and racists, and homophobes, and so on), through short fiction, poetry and satire, directed at the commonplace. I want to implicitly suggest uncomfortable questions, and yes, I will enjoy watching certain types of people squirm as they doubt themselves.
I shall not assume the mantle that is expected of me.
[…] Don’t miss Bruce Everett’s great piece, “…assuming the mantle”. […]
An excellent phrasing for something that’s been rummaging around in my mind for a long time. I’ve worked a number of jobs where talking about women in a degrading manner – as long as they weren’t around, of course! – was expected, where it was assumed that I would join in heartily, and where the guys were often shocked when I not only refused to do so but openly spoke out against it.
It happens too often for my liking. And so I join you; I will not don the mantle expected of me. Love it.
Can’t wait to read more of your work.
Well said. I forwarded this to a couple of guys who, while not neckbeards, just aren’t getting that all the sexism in the atheism community actually is a problem.
Great piece. I know many men who think the answer to the more unpleasant kinds of misogyny is chivalry, when as you point out, that is part of the problem. Women do not need knights in shining armour, we need to be treated as human beings.
Looking forward to reading more of your writing.
[…] other guys tired of the idiot stuff you have to do to be a “real guy”? Assuming The Mantle Categories: Uncategorized The End. But in the meantime… RSS […]
You are right up to a point. There is a lot of online stuff that is incredibly violent towards men as well; prison rape jokes, the way that torture has become acceptable for “the good guys” in popular fiction, pulling spinal cords out of people on video games.
It seems a bit creepy to me to see all that and only notice the violence towards women. I guess it is a start though.
@AKA Horace,
You’ve overlooked the point. This isn’t about violence in media. It’s about the degradation and othering of women in the service of male bonding.
There is a lot of general degradation in the service of male bonding.
Complaining about it happening to women only and ignoring what happens to men is part of the problem.
No, it is not “part of the problem.”If you think that males are degraded and othered simply for being males in the service of male bonding, fine. I doubt it, but maybe you’re right. Go somewhere and talk about that.
This article, Bruce Everett’s article, is about how common it is in male culture to degrade women and how he’s chosen to stand against that. Talking about that is not a problem.
Showing concern for women is part of the traditional male role. Showing concern for other men is considered a “bit gay” traditionally, men are supposed to be able to take care of themselves. Being concerned about the degradation of women and not noticing that it is part of a wider problem is part of the problem in itself, violence against men is often socially invisible.
So Everett is half way there.
And what’s the problem with being “a bit gay”? Being perceived as womanlike. What are the worst insults men offer other men? They accuse them of being gay, call them “girls” or “ladies.”
“Not noticing” is a red herring, and assumes facts not in evidence. “Not addressing” is accurate, and points up the emptiness of your objection. There is nothing wrong with addressing a problem without mentioning every other problem in existence. “Part of the problem in itself?” What problem? The one Bruce is addressing? Or the one in your head? It is important to talk about misogyny in male culture.
Personally, I think it’s a problem when people can’t discuss sexism and misogyny without somebody intimating that the <i>real</i> problem is what happens to men.
Stacy,
the real problem is what happens to humans, men and women.
Would you enter a discussion on racism and say, “the real problem is what happens to people of all races”?
It is helpful to discuss particulars.
Stacy,
there is a problem with the assumption that men must be cruel and amoral to be masculine. This affects both their treatment of women and of other men (particularly ones that are seen to be weaker, such as effeminate gays). Men will often see themselves as moral, standup guys because while they may be ruthless and cruel to other men they treat the women in their lives well. As a society we see violence against women as a terrible sin while often trivializing violence against men.
I think that we need to encourage everyone to think for themselves and make their own moral decisions rather than going by arbitrary codes.
Yes.
Men will often do that? Really? Citation needed. I can easily believe it sometimes happens. The reverse happens as well: men are well-respected among men and in the wider community, while behind doors they’re controlling and dangerous to women.
No. We trivialize both. And I think you’re trivializing violence against women with that assumption. You are avoiding the issue of misogyny in your eagerness to claim male abuse directed at men is invisible. You ignored my point about how that abuse is often misogynist in content.
But those codes aren’t simply arbitrary. In the kind of case under discussion, they’re based on an assumption of male superiority. That doesn’t mean that many, many men don’t suffer under that assumption as well.
AKAHorace:
Do you think that, in general, white people are not as subject to racism as black people? Do you think that, in general, white people possess more power and wealth than black people? If so, do you agree therefore that in general, black people are more disadvantaged than white people? With this in mind, do you think it makes little sense to point to examples of white-on-white abuse when someone is talking about black people as the victims of racism?
I’m sorry for being off-topic. The news is just in and there’s no article on “Butterflies and Wheels” yet to address it. Tom Holland’s documentary “The Untold Story of Islam” just found out why the story has been untold. The BBC has cancelled it out of safety concerns. Yet another blow to free speech and free inquiry. Makes me wonder when it becomes official that we, the current generations, have abandoned these hard-won rights in favour of an appeasement that will back-fire on us.
If you haven’t, please read Tom Holland’s book on which the documentary was based. “in the shadow of the sword” is a riveting read, like all his books. And the tone was… well, let’s just say that Tom Holland is a mild-mannered Martin Luther King compared to, say, Robert Spencer’s Malcolm X.
But mild manners and an admiring view of Islam did not save Tom Holland’s TV work from getting charged with blasphemy and slander.
Would it perhaps be a good idea to lobby the BBC or Channel Four to release the documentary in its entirety on YouTube? They can do it via a third party so as not to endanger anyone. (Even though in this case they cowered before anyone threw the first blow). If we can get the documentary on Youtube, let’s try to make it the most popular video of the month. (Sorry, cute kitten videos).
Again, sorry for being off-topic.