Fresno, CA: Following hard on the heels of the commercial success of the Da
Vinci Code and forty three books about Mary Magdalene, news of the finished
translation of a gospel attributed to Judas Iscariot, known to history as the
betrayer of Jesus, received mixed reactions in the scholarly and religious
communities last week.

Vatican spokesman Archbishop Heiko Vitali wasted no time in dismissing the
discovery as yet another example of how scholars are willing to believe
“proven heresies.”

“What do we know about Judas? That he was a liar. So even if this gospel came
from his hand–as I’m sure it did not–it would be just another big lie,” said
Vitali.

His sentiments were echoed by the head of the Evangelical Christian Alliance
Dr. Luke Hazard, who said, “If there is a gospel of Judas it must have been
written by a Jew. What does that tell you?”

The international team of scholars working on the translation were quick to
point out that this may not be the same “gospel” of Judas mentioned in the
second century by St Irenaeus.

Dr. Walter Johns, head of the team has released a sample of the committee’s
translation with the caution that “The translation may not be perfect, and the
whole [thing] raises as many questions as it answers.”

The following is reprinted from the Committee’s Interim Translation Report,
released on April 3.

The Gospel According to Judas

Translated from the Coptic by Professor Melvin Snarkelsdrochk

The Secret Gospel of Judas Barabbas Miriam Jacob Thomas, also called James,
son of Joseph, Lover of the Lord.

He who reads these words is not far from the kingdom. On the other hand, he’ll
need photo ID and two other forms of identification to pass through security.

And Judas spoke and said

Lord when will you show us the Kingdom?

And Jesus spoke and said.

If I showed you, you would not believe, and if you believed I would not show
you.

And Judas and Peter wondered in their hearts what manner of syntax this might
be.

Then spoke Judas, waking, and said unto Peter:

Do you know what the world says about him?

And Peter answered,

Yes, that he is the Mikado.

And Judas was wroth and spoke unto Peter saying,

No, that he is the Messiah.

And said Peter, yawning,

Right, that’s Jewish isn’t it?

Mary Magdalene said to Judas, who played much with his purse,

Scorn him not, Judas, because in two thousand years, more or less, there will
come one like a prince of the apostles who shall show men the Secret Wisdom.

You mean Ratzinger said Judas?

And Mary spoke:

How little men know of the secret path. I mean Dan Brown. My whole future
depends on him.

And Judas sighed in his spirit and said,

Cephas says vile things of you and the Lord. He says you have [known] each
other.

And Peter said:

Actually, since we’re speaking Aramaic, Mikado and Messiah do sound sort of
alike.

Jesus came close to Judas and said into his left ear,

Until you make the outside like the inside and the inside like the outside you
will never understand the secrets of the kingdom.

Mary, also called Magdalene, not to be confused with Mary the mother of Jesus,
Mary the Mother of James and Joses, the Other Mary, or Salome whose middle
name was Mary, said,

Lord why do you whisper so. Do you love Judas more than me?

Jesus said,

Fish got to swim and birds got to fly. You are not far from the Truth.

And from that day Mary left the company of apostles and became a votary public
and delivered a son, also named Jesus, and laid him in a manger because there
was no room for them at the inn.

Jesus said,

A sower went out to sow a field and some of the seed fell into foxholes. And
some of the seed fell into bird’s nests. And some of the seed the sower sowed
not. And the foxes ate the birds. Let him who has ears to hear, hear!

And Peter said,

We hear you you!

And Judas said,

Unfortunately.

Jesus said,

You are far from the kingdom, because your ears are stopped and yours beards
full of crumbs from eating too much the repast of this World.

Peter was troubled and said,

I wish.

Judas said,

Lord: What sign can you give us that you are the Expected One? I mean
something concrete.

Jesus was wroth when he heard Judas’s question and did bitch slap Judas and
said,

You of little faith, The kingdom is not coming with signs. You can’t get there
from here, nor from Phoenix. Witchita is closer, but still not it.

Peter said,

Now I get it, thanks!

Thomas and John who did hold hands and smirk effeminately the while Judas said
ouch turned to Jesus and said,

Is Mary gone? We wish. What time is it?

And Jesus smiled at the pair and said,

The keys of the kingdom come to him who waits, him who asks, and him who says
nasty things about the Woman.

And Thomas said,

What time is it, because I have a manicure at 2.30.

Jesus said,

It is late in the day. When the dawn kills the moon the kingdom will come as a
thief in the night to destroy the fig tree.

Judas said:

Now that really makes no sense at all.

And Peter, saddened, said.

It does to me. I love figs. I will miss the trees.

Jesus said:

I am now going to my father’s house where you can not come. Not today, anyway.
They will come seeking me like a dog among thieves and I really don’t want to
be around for that. The spirit is willing but few are chosen.

Judas said,

The boys and I will sort your sayings out later. They need a lot of work.

Jesus said,

But I will return. And we’ll resume our lessons when the heat is off.

Judas said,

No, no. You stay right where you are. There are some guys on the Council I
want you to meet. I’ll just go get them, shall I? Kisses ’til then.

But privily to himself Judas said,

Or maybe I’ll just go hang myself.

R. Joseph Hoffmann is Professor and Chair of Religious Studies at Wells College and a Senior Fellow at the Center for Inquiry International.