Two possible apologies for the archbishop
Guest post by Patrick O’Malley.
I wrote 2 apologies for the Archbishop in Ireland, who is preparing to give an apology after the scathing Cloyne report, which showed that in 2011 the Catholic church continues to be criminally negligent about clergy child sex. Both apologies are completely honest, so they are inadmissible in today’s Catholic church:
1) Let’s be honest. We don’t care. A few of our priests raped your kids. We don’t care. It’s a nuisance. They’re only kids. Let’s get back to fighting women priests, condoms, and gays, and fixing everyone else in this world. Now shut up, go home, and don’t bring this up again. God bless, fools.
2) I’m so embarrassed to be a Catholic priest today. We raped tens of thousands of children. We hid the truth. We lied about it. We ignored the children. I am so sick to my stomach about how we disgraced God, that I can’t forgive myself or anyone else in the Catholic church. For the future of the church, we have all decided to resign.
Pope Benedict decided that the only way to save the church was to have us all resign. Today. We are going to use church money to enact laws to force all of us to be put in jail for the rest of our lives. Benedict (who has dropped the title Pope, effective immediately) is knocking on the door of a jail today asking to be put in the general population. The rest of us think that the only way for God to save our souls after the way we’ve disgraced the church is to spend the rest of our lives trying to save the souls of prisoners, the worst people on earth. I’ve cried all day about the fact that we didn’t try to save the souls of the best people on earth – the poor, innocent children that we raped.
We have hired financial people to sell all of our churches and to purchase replacement buildings that are smaller and cheaper. We have invested well – we’re going to make a ton of money. Half will be set up in an open account for therapy for victims of child rape. If you were raped by a priest, go to therapy any time. We’ll pay. We are so sorry for what we’ve put you through. If you weren’t raped by a priest and go anyway, we’ll pay. That’s part of our Christian contribution to show the world how sorry we are. We never earned that money, and we hope the parishioners think it’s a good investment in the future.
The other half of the money will go to cure hunger. We’re crying that we didn’t think of this earlier. Children around the world are dying because they can’t eat, and we are in buildings that are so expensive, that we could have fed them by trading down. We’re finally doing it. We also promise that all current priests will never eat more than the most underfed person on earth.
We’re hoping we don’t go to hell for taking so long, and letting so many children suffer.
For whoever continues the church, it’s actually so simple – please follow the 10 Commandments, and do What Jesus Would Do. If any of us had done that, none of this would have happened. Forget the importance of money. It works out God doesn’t care about money.
We’re so sorry we have disgraced you, and set such a horrible example for you, and we are mortally sorry we have disgraced God. God bless you. We were fools.
You should have included the most likely one:
3) We’re terribly sorry if anyone got hurt by these terrible homosexuals who were driven mad by the 1960s. We will nevertheless continue to police ourselves and ignore civil authority, since God Almighty appointed us to be the arbiters of morality, and not you. We’ll also work hard to convince the government to create policies to protect us from scrutiny and if possible divert public funds to our coffers. After all, we need to fund opposition to gay marriage, condoms, abortion, women outside of “barefoot and pregnant” marriages and slave-labor laundries, and the rest of God’s work.
Amen (and don’t forget to put your 10% in the collection plate on your way out…)
Hey, they can change.
A more likely statement:
Well, I don’t see anything in the 10 Cs that prohibits raping children. So, acting under the assumption that anything which is not specifically prohibited must be allowed, I don’t see what the big fuss is about. It’s not like we used condoms, for Christ sake. Now, that would have been horrible.
@Improbable Joe
You need to add something about secularism being the true evil.
“We think the Roman Catholic Church is more important than the Roman Catholic people in it.”
They didn’t burn Bruno and threaten Gallileo with torture because they thought they were wrong, they did it because their discoveries threatened the omnipotency of the clergy. What are the rights of a few tens of thousands of emotionally destroyed children when balanced against Priests and Bishops losing their privileged perch as moral governor of the community?
They’re nasty, poisonous and corrupt.
Apologies? These criminals don’t even know their own bullshit. By RCC Inc. rules you can only obtain forgiveness if you are truly sorry, intend never to do it again and sincerely try to make amends. Unless all this is in place their apologies mean nothing, zilch, rien, nada, nichts. And do they not know that their doG is not mocked? It will bite them in the ass
Yes Patrick. Well said.
The Brotherhood, by which I mean the male clerics of the RCC – females don’t really get a look in – needs to acknowledge that its own dark, evil, satanic side has long had the better of it. Otherwise, and from the top down, the hierarchy would have exposed the paedophiles as soon as it found out about them.
Sell all thou hast and give to the poor, you bastards! All that huge wad of accumulated capital: Vatican, churches, cathedrals, schools, orphanages, apartment blocks, banks, estates, monasteries, pubs, factories, breweries, printeries, newspapers, TV and radio networks, wine bars, brothels: the lot.
Give to the poor innocents whose lives you have destroyed! God knows there are enough of them. And what better use could it all have?
A beautiful dream.
[…] a guest post over at Butterflies and Wheels, Patrick O’Malley has drafted two versions of an […]
Well, whatever the RC church thinks, the Irish government has had enough.
If you read this statement -see link below – by the Taoiseach, issued yesterday, you will see that nothing short of a rvolution has occurred in Ireland.
LINK:http://www.merrionstreet.ie/index.php/2011/07/statement-by-the-taoiseach-on-the-dail-motion-on-the-report-of-the-commission-of-investigation-into-the-catholic-diocese-of-cloyne-in-dail-eireann/?cat=3
And not before time.