Jen Gunter went to a GOOP health event and is here to tell us about it.

I was initially worried they wouldn’t let me register, but some quick homework told me they had offloaded registration to a 3rd party so I thought it highly unlikely there was a no fly list. I did consider that I was just full of myself and they just didn’t care about me attending, however, along the way I received a tip that the GOOPsters hate me more than gluten, cow’s milk, and McChemicals combined so I think they just never thought I would go. Knowing that and managing to get in made it worth every penny.

They hate her the way Trump hates Mueller, I guess. How dare she notice what frauds and quacks they are. How dare she have medical knowledge that contradicts their made-up fluffy Healings.

The event hall was filled with beauty treatments sold as wellness as if a scent or facial cupping could do anything except make you smell or swell. There were B12 injections from an anesthesiologist who looked like an understudy for the show The Doctors. He is apparently both an osteopathic and a medical doctor. Yes, he went to medical school twice. We asked. I watched him give an injection without gloves. Gloves are not required for injections, but it grossed me out, although not as much as the long line of women waiting to pull down their yoga pants and receive a vitamin shot without giving a history or having a physical exam. I spoke with one person who said they were not asked to sign a consent. There was no fucking way I was getting an injection. I’ve read The Stepford Wives.

“Give her the special jab.”

Then the fucking carnival rolled into town. There were back to back sessions where we learned that death IS NOT REAL. And it’s great. Laura Lynn Jackson, a “research medium” (see, words don’t matter), told us how she worked with clients to connect them with their loved ones. She strolled the crowd and her spiritual guide, who I assume is named Cash Only, helped her select three random women (the first was related to a GOOP employee, color me shocked).

Here are the questions the “research medium” asked to prove she was making a connection with relatives from the other side:

Do you have a plant?
Did you dad know anyone in the military or have a military connection?
Does your name or the name of someone you know have an L or an M?
Do you have a dog?
Do you have a cat?
Was your dad a bad communicator?
Do you like shoes?
Do you have a website?
Have your recently bought a purse or thought about buying purse?

Do you like shoes? That made me howl with laughter. Dr Jen points out how well the questions fit the demographic.

The “research medium” then took the stage with a neurosurgeon Dr. Eben Alexander, who died and came back to sell books about heaven, Dr Jay Lombard, a neurologist who could barely get a word in  because Alexander loves the sound of his own voice, and Bryce Dallas Howard.

Dr. Eben Alexander wrote Proof of Heaven and claims he was dead and saw heaven with his dead brain. Shockingly there are some holes in his story. In reality he did not die he had delirium and a medically induced coma, both of which can give vivid dreams and hallucinations. Yes, he was sick and had a great recovery but he did not die and he did not see heaven.

This fascination with death was 50% of the day and not in a productive “lets talk about how we die in America” kind of way, but in death is trip reserved for the privileged, like a cross between the movie Flatliners and cultures that believed in human sacrifice where the class born to be sacrificed were brought up to believe death is a goal and an honor. Monetizing death in this way is clearly profitable. The message seems to be I know you are afraid of dying so read my book or cross my palm with cash and I will share you secrets about death that no one else can.

It’s hilarious but it’s also sickening.

At times I could not distinguish between the words of the neurosurgeon, the neurologist, or the “research medium,” but I guess it doesn’t matter as they all agreed with each other. Some things they said include the following:

The brain is a filter that gets in the way of primordial consciousness.
We don’t need evidence based medicine if we have experiences.
God has pure healing energy.
Consciousness is not a noun it is a verb.
The voice in your head is not your consciousness it is a parlor trick.
We turn into light energy when we die.
Language reduces experience. (I almost fell off my chair, WORDS DON’T MATTER).
We can trust the universe as long as we live in love.
The placebo effect is getting stronger over time, this scares Big Pharma.
Spontaneous healing from cancer and infections can happen with love.
A deep spiritual journey can cure anything.
The person sitting next to you at any time was sent there by the universe so trust that.

Also? Be rich.

Then we had a two-hour break during which time the people who forked over $2,0000 could have lunch with GP and special guests.

Two thousand bucks to have lunch with Gwyneth Paltrow. No peasants need apply.

Read the whole extraordinary thing.