Happy Asexuality Day to those who celebrate
Oh but they’re so sweet in their Corporate Memphis.
Ok, maybe there is such a thing, but why does it need a day? Why does it need an international day? What is the point of these “days” anyway? They’re not holidays, so what are they for? If you tell me it’s international paper bag day, what are you expecting me to do about it? Who is deciding which days are what, and why haven’t I been consulted? Is there any place where we can lodge a dissent, and demand a different day, or the inclusion of our chosen day instead of the announced one? Who is deciding all this? Where is the highly secretive junta that is issuing these rules, and what is their native language?
What exactly are we supposed to do to observe this day? Go outside and find the most asexual-looking person we can and brandish a fist in the air as a token of our solidarity? Carry a black and grey and white and purple flag around? Wear our sloppiest clothes? What?
I don’t know, but Thomas Willett is very agitated about the whole thing.
Careful, now. Careful.! Continue on in that manner, and you’ll answer to some monster summoned up out of Fantasyland; or even worse, that little knows-it-all upstart name of Harold Potter.
As somebody once almost said: asexual is a sexuality like not collecting stamps is a hobby.
That means it’s the day when you absolutely must be very careful to not say anything insensitive about paper bags.
If you’re not announcing your “asexuality” to the world, how does anyone know to oppress you on the basis of this supposed asexuality? It’s completely invisible, or at least it is until you wave the flag and/or wear the Approved Colours, and having looked them up in the appropriate volume of the Official Licorice All-Sorts Field Guide to Gender Identity Vexillology and Hair Dye Selection (or nearest British Rail Inclusivity Poster), innocent bystanders now know that they probably should be oppressing you in order for them to do their bit, so that you can earn your LGBTQIA%$?@√π Community Martyrdom Merit Badge. It’s the polite thing to do, like a little old lady allowing a Boy Scout to help her across the road, and thereby performing a Good Deed.
Though one has to wonder: in what ways are asexual people “oppressed” by anyone? What rights are being withheld from them? Are they just tired of unwanted advances from undesirable potential partners? (Okay, all potential partners.) There are lots of people in the same boat, even though they don’t claim to be “asexual”, they just say “No”, or, if pressed, “Fuck off.” Why do asexual people believe they are deserving of attention that they are, simultaneously, so vociferously trying to avoid? If you stop making yourself conspicuous, nobody will notice, nobody will care. Or is that a problem for you after all? How do you get to be downtrodden if you’re completely ignored? How can you be targeted for abuse if you’re not on anybody’s radar? It is almost a koan-worthy conundrum. If nothing falls in the forest, does anybody give a shit?
Really, how are “Aces” being discriminated against? How would we address this alleged discrimination if we were ever inclined to do so? Trans “oppression” is alleviated by giving them everything they want, so they don’t kill themselves, or hound you out of your job. Rude, but simple. What do Aces want us to give them
in order to get them to shut up ,and go awayto make their lives complete and fulfilled? If it’s for us to leave them alone, then fine. Here’s a tip. Don’t parade around in lingerie, drop the flags, stop yelling about your condition/preference/whatever, and cancel this day that draws all this supposedly unwanted attention on you. Even simpler. Please feel free to start doing this immediately, and surrender this date in 2026 to some other group that actually needs it.[…] a comment by Your Name’s not Bruce? on Happy Asexuality Day to those who […]
YNnB, I have been assured, in all seriousness, that it is oppression when someone tries to ‘fix up’ an asexual friend. I guess when people try to fix up friends who have sexual attraction, it’s not the same thing? Even though we may no more want to be ‘fixed up’ with some stranger we aren’t interested in? I was single for a number of years, and I no more wanted to be ‘fixed up’ than anyone who is asexual. I was in the process of struggling through a lot of things and I didn’t care to share my life with anyone. But apparently I wasn’t oppressed, because I am straight and white and ‘cis’, which, of course, none of the asexual are. The moment you clothe yourself in the LGBTQA++++++++++++++++++ flag, you are automatically not straight, not white, and not ‘cis’, even if you were all those things moments before.
I don’t think asexual advocacy groups are particularly interested in an oppression competition with other sexual minorities. Asexuality is largely invisible to other people and to society at large, so of course asexuals wouldn’t often be the target of overt discrimination.
Lack of awareness about asexuality in society can, however, be detrimental to asexual people in other ways. Often, when asexual people are growing up, they don’t hear asexuality being discussed or see representations of asexual characters in media, let alone receive information about asexuality in a sex education curriculum. Consequently, a feeling of being “broken” or defective is a common asexual experience in adolescence and even adulthood, as are intense feelings of isolation and worries about whether they’ll ever be able to have a parter or a family (since many asexual people, though not all, do desire romantic connection). Lack of awareness of asexuality among medical health professionals and mental health practitioners can also negatively impact asexual people in various ways.
So I think one reason asexual people care about an awareness day is for the sake of each other. So that we can build community, friendships and partnerships, and hopefully make things better for younger generations. In order to do that, we do have to be somewhat visible in the world. Thankfully, since we aren’t discriminated against, we are free to do that without being told to…what was it your commenter said again? Ah yes, “shut up, and go away.”
It’s just another part of the T monopoly on all discourse about anyone’s sexuality. T is claimed to be a large “umbrella term” that encompasses all the different flags and “ideninnies.” The more “days” they can proliferate, the more they can direct everyone’s attention back to the overall umbrella, i.e., the T.
Checking back, I shared that quote here back in 2017. It’s from the book ‘The Other Victorians.’ by Steven Marcus.
One thing I committed to when I started working professionally was to never look for romance at the office. Just too fraught considering what can go badly for all concerned. I’m not a fan of bringing your whole self to work either, for the same reasons. Unless there’s a work-related reason for it, and there isn’t, keep your sexuality to yourself please.
Really, Ms. Benson? You don’t allow politely dissenting comments? Dismissing the asexual community without making a good-faith effort to understand them is intellectually lazy at best. Why do you feel entitled to mock them when you clearly know nothing about them?
Er, no, she has opted to mock this silly day. That’s very different than mocking asexual people*, many of whom may not see any need for such a day and never asked for it. The sloppy thinking revealed by this failure to make such basic distinctions is, of course, only too familiar by now.
* I do think it’s fair to mock anyone who thinks being asexual makes you part of any “community”, let alone the “LGBTQ+++++++++++++” one, which, as maddog rightly points out, ceased to be about anything other than the T years ago.
kloe @ 7 – the reality is that a feeling of being “broken” or defective is a common experience in adolescence for a hell of a lot of people, not just “asexual” ones, as are intense feelings of isolation and worries about whether they’ll ever be able to have a partner or a family. Adolescence is difficult.
Er, sorry, I revoke that statement. It took my comment a while to show up
kloe @ 11 – not at all! It’s just that your first comment was waiting for approval because it was a first comment. Now that I’ve seen it and clicked the okie doke button that won’t happen again.
Heh, no problem.
Ophelia Benson @ 13 That’s certainly true. It’s my view that we should try to support young people and help them through those difficulties. One way to do that is by providing accurate information about human sexuality; ie, there are people who experience attraction to the opposite gender, to the same gender, to multiple genders, as well as people who experience little to no sexual attraction, all of which are valid experiences along the continuum of human sexuality. When we dismiss or mock asexual visibility in the world (re JK Rowling), we do asexual people a disservice.
This, of course, presupposes that asexual people exist. Your use of “asexual” in quotes makes me question whether you agree with this, although in your original post you do say “maybe there is such a thing.” I might ask that before you jump on Rowling’s bandwagon, you decide where you stand on this point. Yes, asexuality is just a social construct, but it’s one that many people find useful because it describes a common experience of sexuality (albeit a minority one) that historically has not been much acknowledged, and certainly not in a positive or even value-neutral way. To dismiss or deny asexuality while acknowledging the existence of heterosexuality, homosexuality and bi/pan sexuality seems a bit discriminatory to me.
What happens if you just call it low libido and keep in mind that libido fluctuates for most people? In other words what if it’s not an “identity” at all but just something bodies do?
@18 It’s a common misconception that asexual people lack libido. Asexual people have varying and fluctuating levels of libido like anyone else. Many asexual people report self stimulating (sorry, but you did sort of raise the question) while others do not.
The important difference is that asexual people do not experience sexual attraction. In other words, things capable of catalyzing a sexual arousal response in others (ie, desired sexual contact with a person to whom they are sexually attracted), do not catalyze a sexual response asexual people. Crucially, this experience is also consistent across time for asexual people. It’s not that asexuals, as Rowling so articulately puts it, “don’t fancy a shag.” It’s that they are incapable of ever fancying a shag. Just as a gay person would not be aroused by or desire sexual contact with a person of the opposite sex (and indeed would probably feel a strong aversion to it), asexual people are not aroused by sexual contact with anyone. I’ll allow that it gets a bit muddier with micro-labels like demi- and gray-sexuality, but again, people would not coalesce around these labels if they did not describe an experience of sexuality that was meaningfully different from the mainstream.
I realize that you object to the idea that this should be the basis for an identity, but surely you would agree that we live in a society that centers and privileges sexual relationships more than collecting postage stamps? I don’t think asexual people are demanding that their sexual identity be front and center in all contexts, but perhaps in ones where it matters. If people don’t know that we exist or are ill-informed, we’ll continue to be met with ignorance and derision in those contexts.
There’s no need to apologize for mentioning masturbation in a discussion of sexuality and/or a putative absence of same.
But masturbation isn’t “asexuality.” Not liking/wanting sex with other people is just that. Masturbation makes no sense without sexuality. Sexuality is one thing and coupling up is another. I do agree with you about the social approval of coupling up plus disapproval of not coupling up, but I think “asexuality” doesn’t really name that. At this point we may just be disagreeing over labels.
I hate to disagree with a statement like this for someone who claims that label for themselves, but…I have to disagree. Maybe you don’t want to, and that’s great. But I have seen too many cases of just the opposite to think it is common among asexuals not to want to be noticed, or to be in the oppression competition.
In fact, I attended a play written by a friend. It was an awful play; she is not a good writer (pardon me, they is not a good writer). She is a good friend, a good director, a good actor, but she/they should leave writing to those who are good at it. Her play was about the ACE/ARO ‘community’ and the level of oppression the main character suffers from being ACE/ARO. This boiled down to nothing more than people trying to fix [he/her/them/they] up with dates. If that is your only oppression, you are doing pretty well, IMHO. (By the way, I used the brackets because over the course of a two hour play, it was never evident who this character was. The person playing it is a woman with a man’s name who goes by they/them pronouns, and it is obvious she/he/they has been taking testosterone). The gist of this play was that the ACE/ARO are being overlooked, and should be paid more attention to…something that seems a bit over the top to me. I don’t demand attention for not collecting stamps, not square dancing, or not knitting.
By the way, the author of the play is ‘cis’ hetero, declares as non-binary, goes by she/they, and has a trans daughter she believes is a son. She has committed herself to the cause with fervor.
It’s always frustrating to see people criticize Ms. Rowling when the stuff that she’s talking about, particularly the stuff that initially made her fall out of favor amongst the gender obsessed crowd, is stuff that feminists have literally written about since the 70s. They love to accuse her of vehement bigotry when really it’s stuff you can find in feminist literature that’s been written about at length by many women over the years, and people sadly are just now paying attention and listening to it seriously.
The only people I knew who called themselves asexual were using a really narrow definition of it to mean they did not like penetrative sex, but otherwise were porn and fetish obsessed, so I don’t know if it’s another one of those terms that the gender obsessed culture has used in so many contradictory ways that it escapes meaningful concrete definition. But defining yourself with an identity based label that boils down usually to “I have a low sex drive” is… yeah, it’s not really important. People are not widely discriminated against or shamed or forced out of jobs for not having sex (unless you’re a lesbian saying no to a male…).