As they wish to be addressed
Let us consider pronouns for a moment. In general, I think it reasonable to address people as they wish to be addressed. Much of the time this will be of little consequence. A matter of politeness, then, even if that requires one to indulge a certain fiction. Yet I also accept that it is easier for me — a man —to take this view, or grant this indulgence, since doing so comes at no cost to me whatsoever. No one is seeking access to spaces previously reserved for men and reserved such for good reason.
Yes, that, but also, it’s not really something that comes up all that much, is it. Everybody says it all the time – “Just address people the way they ask” – but in real life people don’t ask. That’s not how it works. There can be uncertainties on introduction about whether to use first name or last name plus Mwhatever, which can get into further uncertainty about Ms or not Ms, but that’s pretty much all. It’s certainly not the case that people regularly ask or tell others to call them something fictional. Or it certainly was not the case that people did that until very recently. This bizarre new custom of demanding to be called something fictional is a brand new custom, and a very silly one.
Updating to add relevant cartoon cited by Your Name’s not Bruce and sent to me by Peter N.
I would argue that there is a cost to anyone and everyone indulging in this fiction. It is a surrender to someone else’s rude, unreasonable, reality-denying demand. The power relationship isn’t what you think it is. You’re not deigning to play along, you’re following orders. That’s certainly how those making the demand see it. You might think it’s condescension, but it’s actually submission. Your compliance and submission with pronouns emboldens these men to demand more and more.* Your initial cooperation makes it harder for you to say “No” when the demands become even more unreasonable and obtrusive, particularly when those paying the price are people other than you. Just ask Sandie Peggie how that escalation plays out. I’ll bet it all started with Upton getting a rainbow lanyard with Her/She beside his name. Was that too much to ask? Turns out it was. But you don’t think so. You think it’s “reasonable.” Think again.
Your being a “good ally” to the man whose “certain fiction” you are indulging ends in real harm to women. Ask yourself why “[n]o one is seeking access to spaces previously reserved for men and reserved such for good reason.” If you can see the danger to women as being “at no cost to me whatsoever” I feel sorry for all of the women in your life, because they deserve -and need- better than you.
*There’s an on line, two-panel editorial cartoon I can never re-find when I need it. Panel one shows a woman agreeing to use a TiM’s preferred pronouns because it seems to be such a small thing to ask. Panel two shows the woman being bowled over by the torrent of additional demands the TiM imposes on her.
It’s also not about addressing people as they wish, but referring to them as they demand. Much (if not most) of the time when you do that the person isn’t even present, so any harm done to that person’s psyche by using the “wrong” (which is to say the right) pronouns is minimal.
Nailed it.
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But when addressing someone directly, pronouns aren’t an issue, are they? It’s “you”, not “he”, “she”, “they”, or anything else. They’re trying to police our speech when they’re not even a party to conversations. [The one time I got in trouble for a genderspeak violation was when I referred to a “him” as a “him” and not a “they”, as apparently he expected everyone to do at all times.]
When it comes to pronouns, yes, but there is also the Mrs Miss issue…both of which of course are the result of the deeply sexist fact that women are addressed by marital status while men are not, hence the invention of Ms. Or Mx. Oh look at the enlightened man who calls himself MS Egomaniac.
There is a massive equivocation fallacy here.
We generally allow people to choose their own proper names. In our society, most people go by whatever name their parents gave them, but they can pick a different one if they like. As a practical matter, if someone introduces himself as “Fred”, I’m going to address him as “Fred”, and I’m not going to demand that he produce some document to prove that “Fred” is his “real” name.
Even when we happen to know that someone is going by a name other than their given or official or legal name, it is considered courteous–we generally extend the courtesy–of addressing them by the name that they announce. Perhaps the most commonplace example of this is someone who chooses to go by their middle name rather than their first.
Occasionally someone will claim some impractically long and grandiose name for themselves, and insist that everyone use it, but this is usually performative, and understood as such. (See e.g. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Screaming_Lord_Sutch, also https://xkcd.com/327/)
Personal names in English are gendered, and trans people sometimes change their name to one that matches their announced gender rather than their biological sex. This can cause some confusion or awkwardness on initial introduction, but after a while most people find that they can roll with it, because–in the end–it’s just a name.
Pronouns are completely different. Pronouns are not like proper names. Pronouns are not arbitrary labels that people can choose. Pronouns are part of the language. No one owns or dictates or controls language (Académie Française notwithstanding). Language exists as a shared convention, embedded in the minds of all the people who use it.
Words mean what people think they mean. Really, they do. There is no other way to define or ascertain the meaning of words. When a man announces that he uses she/her pronouns, that neither makes him a woman nor changes the meaning of those pronouns to somehow encompass him. What it is is an implicit lie, coupled with a demand that everyone else participate in that lie with him.
Immediately, this breaks the language. It causes confusion and ambiguity as people contort their speech and their understanding to accommodate the lie.
But what these demands that people use the wrong pronouns really are are demands for submission. They are demands that everyone else do an absurd thing–and the absurdity is the point. If it were a reasonable demand, people might do it because it is reasonable. But it is absurd, and the only reason to do it is to demonstrate submission to the person making the demand. It is a kind of kowtowing.
We shouldn’t do it.
‘We generally allow people to choose their own proper names. In our society, most people go by whatever name their parents gave them, but they can pick a different one if they like. As a practical matter, if someone introduces himself as “Fred”, I’m going to address him as “Fred”, and I’m not going to demand that he produce some document to prove that “Fred” is his “real” name.’
Yeah, there is nothing unusual about this at all – when I call the roll in my first class of the semester I sometimes read a name – ‘Linda Soandso?’ and get the response ‘yes that’s me, but please call me Sandy.’ Fine – cross out Linda, write in Sandy, end of interaction.
In case anyone is interested, my pronouns are I/Me/Mine. All the rest I leave to other people to decide about me, based on normal human interactions that give them some idea of which are appropriate.
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