Here’s your amuse-bouche SIR
This is worth watching because…what is he doing? Who is filming all this? Does he just systematically bring someone along when he goes out to eat and instruct that someone to record all interactions with the servers? So that he can bully and punish every single worker who recognizes a man and uses the normal polite subservient language when talking to that man? Yes, clearly that’s exactly what he does. Poisonous scumbag.
Perhaps they should start calling him “Asshole.”
That would be a gratuitous insult to the arseholes of the world, and therefore wrong.
Too bad the misgendering didn’t leave him speechless.
That’s better.
Does he think he’s Gregory Peck in Gentlemen’s Agreement or something?
Looks like he’s dining by himself* and has his phone propped up.
All those daggers, though–his heart must be made of stone.
*Or with his little yap dog.
I was quite unable to watch it all the way through. He’s a raging narcissist and bully. I have lost count of the number of times I have been mistaken for male, most recently on Saturday. I don’t care. Dammit, he wouldn’t care, if he didn’t know that he’ll never be a woman, and will never fool anyone else into thinking that he is. Anyone who knows who he or she is, doesn’t care what other people think or say.
@4 Sorry. I get irritated about the violent metaphors and have a kneejerky tit for tat reaction (that I need to work on). Thanks for catching that (again). :)
I get irritated too, obviously, but that’s not a reason for doing what they do. You know I don’t allow it so don’t “work on it”; just don’t do it.
What a Maroon – ahhh, phone propped up. So he’s systematically entrapping wait staff – WHAT a lovely fella.
Of course nutmeg’s tweet did say all that…[slaps self upside the head]
So it did. I didn’t notice that either.
What’s ironic is that it’s this particular kind of tip-dependent bowing-and-scraping customer service that leads to him being sirred so often. Most places I’ve lived, the waitstaff don’t feel the need to append honorifics to every sentence.
I’ve noticed a lot of waitstaff say ‘dear’ rather than ‘sir’ or ‘ma’m’. Since both men and women can be called ‘dear’ by either a young woman or an older woman (but usually not by a man), that’s probably safer for someone. No risk of violent or obnoxious acting out.
Piglet, same here. The other thing I noticed is the lack of courtesy of the clientele. I almost never hear people say ‘please’ anymore. ‘Thank yous’ are common here in the South, but ‘please’ has been out of fashion for a while. It’s unfortunately common in the US.
Ikn, that reminds me of Ian McKellen when he said he just calls everyone “Luv” instead. Good idea for sure.
Neither of those approaches gives these narcissists the hit of affirmation and validation this little bit of theatre is supposed to extract. It could still lead to obnoxious acting out that’s as groundless as the kind that arises from “misgendering” to start with.
Interesting about “please.” I think people do say it in response to a question – like, “With milk?” But adding it to the initial request is kind of ambiguous – conveying irritation rather than politeness. It’s tricky.
Around the 1:25 mark:
The lack of intent hurts more because it tells you that you are clearly a man whose attempt at passing as a woman does not work. It brings your fantasy crashing down to Earth.
I don’t think it’s tricky at all. At restaurants I hear a lot of “I’ll have the ____” or “Let me get the _____”, and only very rarely “May I please have the ____” Skipping the niceties is very common now.
Most people appreciate it though, in my experience anyway. Being asked nicely is nice. :)
Well I still preface everything with “may I please have…” but that may be more about habits than anything else.
I would much rather someone ask for something than say “please”. “May I have the milk?” and “Could you pass the salt?” are far superior to “Please give me the pepper”. Asking implicitly leaves open the possibility that the person might deny the request, while “please” is treated as some kind of magic politeness word. Doing both is fine, but it’s the question aspect that’s important.
BKiSA, I can relate to that. Maybe it’s too old fashioned.
Sack @22 What do you mean superior? Like a demand? An entitlement?
Compare
“May I have the milk?” or “Could you pass the salt?”
with
“May I have the milk please?” or Could you please pass the salt?”
This is exactly what I’m talking about. Skipping the niceties. It’s not a magic word, but it does convey consideration toward the other person.
I’m not telling anyone how to speak, it’s just an observation. Y’all can be as rude as you want. ;)
twiliter @ 25
I disagree that that’s what you were talking about. You were comparing “I’ll have the…” (not a question, no ‘please’) with “May I please have the…” (a question, and contains the word ‘please’). That is, you were changing two characteristics, then implying that the point was saying “please”, ignoring the fact that you converted a demand to a question.
Sure, it’s nice to say “May I please have the…”, but the relevant issue to me is asking rather than demanding. “Please give me the butter” is a demand. “Could you pass the butter?” is a question, and I think it’s fine, even without the magic politeness word. Questions (with or without ‘please’) are superior to demands (with or without ‘please’), that’s what I was saying.
I always ask, and I rarely use the word “please”.
I say “magic politeness word” because I see a lot of parents teaching their children by asking them “What’s the magic word?”, and the “magic word” is “please”. I do not like that formulation at all. Ask a question.
Additionally, ‘may I’ and ‘could you’ are requests, while ‘give me’ is a demand, so that’s not a like for like comparison.
Cross post. Yes, I think you see what I mean anyway. Asking with please and demanding with please are different things. But really, demands are not as polite as requests in the first place.
Is there really a decrease in please, though? Please is everywhere. An online class that reads “please complete questions 1-4”. “Please upload your homework.” I find it annoying, because this isn’t about someone doing a favor. I is someone giving you a task you’re supposed to do. Please doesn’t make it sound better; it makes it sound awkward.
Instruction manuals now often say please. “Please put part A on top of Part B”. What if I don’t want to? Then the item will not be built correctly.
Using please when ordering seems supererogatory to me. When a waiter asks what you’ll have, and you just say “I’ll have the beef and broccoli”, it seems like a proper construction. When you want extra water or coffee, then saying please is more appropriate.
Please isn’t a magic word when you think about it. A nice person is still a nice person without saying please. You can say “I’ll have the beef and broccoli” without being entitled. An asshole is still an asshole no matter how many times they say please. You can usually tell by vocal inflections and/or body language if you are serving an asshole or a nicer person who regards you as their equal.
Good points Ikn, I suppose I haven’t seen much of that. I think that’s probably what Sackbut is getting at as well. Sure, the word please can be used inappropriately, or incorrectly, but I notice when it can be used as a way of being considerate, but isn’t. You’re right, please doesn’t do much to disguise assholery, and I have seen that as well, or being used in exasperation.
But the really important question is why is he wearing a sports crop top in a nice restaurant? I shudder to think what fashion crime is going on below the tabletop.
I’m pretty sure we’ve run across him somewhere before.
Well maintained looking dude has money to pay for many meals out at nice restaurants and even money to having his dog’s outfit match his. Money for make-up and outfits. All that and his big thing is deliberately being a jerk to wage slaves who can’t win with him. Many people I know can’t afford to dine out much anymore, never mind buying any kinds of clothes for their pets. I would not like to have the challenge of keeping my mouth shut if he pulled this act in front of me in some eatery.
Being a white haired guy i my ’60s, almost every time I go to a restaurant anymore some 20 something asks if I need help with the QR code menu or ordering. Or in the self-check line at the grocery, or any other place where modern IT is about. I smile, say no thank you, and enjoy my wife’s wry smile at all this ageism, knowing full well that I just spent the last 8 hours analyzing training sequences in an AI system I developed. Or figuring ways to constrain generative AI. They don’t know that, of course and I could get all pissy about it – but why. Does it matter? No. How they view me is irrelevant,
We chose how we respond to the universe. If you look for reasons to be pissed off you will find them. If you chose to have a more zen view of humanity then you will enjoy that as well. All this angst worrying about tiptoeing through a snowflake minefield is not for me.
Aaaah Pliny, I concur. Lots of hair, but very grey, almost 72 now. And when I take my time, or when I pause to read instructions, I am rushed with “suggestions” and offers of help.
My first Computers were a Vic20, Apple []e, an Israeli copy of the IBM Peanut, and all the varied editions of Intel Machines. I worked in and out of hardware and software and wrote three accounting software manuals. My forty-something children have no memory of a home without a computer. This past month I have been part of a worldwide team Beta testing a new version of Photo processing software. But sure, I’m too old to work a self checkout. :-)
Tiptoeing through a snowflake minefield should be the title of something.
[…] a comment by Pliny the in Between on Here’s your amuse-bouche […]
Well, I was brought up to use please and thank you out of politeness and to phrase as requests rather than demands. As Major Frank Burns once said “It’s nice to be nice to the nice.” Well over a decade ago I learnt just enough Spanish to get me around a trip in Argentina. Our tutor (Argentinian) listened to the dozen or so of us mock order a meal and practically squeed. She said, “I love New Zealanders, you’re all so polite. No Spanish speaker will say please or thank you ordering dinner.” Mind you, on the rare occasions I get shitty can’t be bothered service, I drop the niceties pretty quickly. I also detested the positively obsequious language American servers used when I was over there. I guess it comes from living a precarious life based on tipping. All I wanted was some genuine moderately polite exchanges, not the obviously false but uttered by rote linguistic bowing and scraping.
Anyway, getting away from the point that crop top man is an asshole.
Agree Rob, I get irritated at obsequiousness too, and interruptions. If they can keep my water glass full, which makes them available for requests, they’ve earned their tip. Simple. I had an overly attentive restaurant owner last week interrupt a converstion I was having to ask us how everything is at least three times during the meal. Grr. (The server was perfect though, she kept the water glasses full without comment.) Reminds me of an episode of the Sopranos where Artie kept injecting himself into table conversations, pretty funny.