He was made to feel uncomfortable
You know…as I look at this photo something occurs to me, not entirely new but a bit more forcefully than usual.
What? What is it that occurs to me?
Fear.
The fact that the photo sparks fear. I looked at it a little longer than I usually look at such photos and then noticed a feeling and then realized what it was. If I were cornered by that guy and berated over pronouns or terfs or his genner idennniny I would feel fear. He’s big, he looks like a bruiser, he looks angry. I’ve been cornered by guys like that when they were angry, as I think probably all women have. This is just built in. We feel fear if we see a bear charging in our direction, and we (we women) feel fear if we see that face looming over us in anger. We recognize it and we flinch.
This is what makes the whole fragility poor poor me won’t somebody please think of the trans ladies campaign so maddeningly perverse and backwards and callous. Dylan with his tampons doesn’t trigger that reaction, but Tampons Dylan doesn’t represent all men who claim to be women. He doesn’t represent the bears.
I have been made uncomfortable at nearly every party I have attended (I hate parties, by the way, so it’s usually under duress). I don’t fit in at parties. I don’t walk right. I don’t dress right. I don’t talk right. I have very few actual social skills.
Maybe it wasn’t transphobia, dude.
They fully understand that fear, too. I’m absolutely certain of it. Boys are socialized from day 1 to understand how to use size to be imposing, which is something that doesn’t often come across in simple photos. Bill O’Reilly, for example, is an enormous man, and in videos where one can actually see this his body language is unmistakeable. He leans in, he jabs his finger, and always towards someone who is a foot shorter and probably 50 pounds lighter.
Yes. It’s a thing. I’ve just been thinking about it, not for the first time – as a child and teenager I had several male relatives (well, a total of 3, one an in-law) who did it to me. Whenever I do think about it I bump up against the surprise that they allowed themselves to do that, gave themselves permission to do it, felt ok about doing it.
…and good men – as in actual thoughtful, respectful, caring good, not just Nice Guys (TM) – are so aware of it that they actively work to minimize it around women. The guys who may feel saddened and – oh no! – even uncomfortable with women feeling afraid of them… and still manage to recognize women’s genuine fear for their physical safety SHOULD override their own need to “not feel unpleasant”. I know some of these men very well personally as very good friends, who I know to be incredibly gentle and thoughtful men, and even so when I see flashes of anger in them I STILL have a visceral fear reaction. Why the hell should I have any “tolerance” for men I DON’T know who deliberately impose themselves on my space and proceed to demand I make them “comfortable”? You first, buddy.
@2-4: This is something I think about whenever someone in an internet argument starts saying things like “you’re being brave behind a keyboard but you wouldn’t DARE say that to my face!” It’s something I’ve come to think of as the Argument From Implied Threat of Physical Violence.
Anyway, we don’t know what was actually said at that party, and it’s entirely possible that something transphobic or otherwise shitty was said. But I am not inclined to take that assertion at face value, especially given the lack of specifics.
What ibbica said. That visceral fear reaction – that’s what I meant. It’s a thing. Boy is it ever.
This is why I don’t mind if a woman walking my way chooses to cross the street to the other side before we get too close. In fact, I often try to do so first, to spare her the effort. I’m a big guy, too, and I understand that fear. (I was bullied and beaten quite a bit as a child, by older/bigger angry boys.)
I wonder what this “transphobia” consisted of. They never say.
Failure to affirm the lie demanded of those around him? Disagreement on what constitutes a “transphobic issue?” More likely a case of perceived lèse-majesté than anything actually “phobic.” Refusal to bow down and kiss the ring. Their feelings of discomfort are always entirely justified and sacrosanct. But what of the feelings of everyone else? They count for nothing. Only The Trans Feelings are legitimate and honourable, and woe betide anyone who dares cause Offence. Everyone else is seen as but a supporting player or mere prop in the Never Ending Me Me Me Story. It seems to come as quite a shock when other people express contrary opinions that suggest an unwillingness to play the assigned role of Beatifically Validating Bystander #3. In the words of Magdalen Berns, “I’d rather be rude than a fucking liar.” Well, I think the tide is slowly turning. Expect more rudeness.
The hyperbolic threat inflation of the language used to describe the constant micro, nanno and non-aggression to which TiMs claim to be subjected is just going to blow up in their faces. When misgendering is genocidal ideation, and you use the nuclear option at the raising of an eyebrow, what do you have left to describe and respond to actual threats and bigotry? The combination of bullying and crying wolf, along with the debasement and devaluation of the vocabulary that used to be reserved to describe actual, serious incidents will only reduce sympathy and concern outside of the emotional support bubble willing to jump at your every word.
At some point you might need the help and support of many of the people you’ve been busily demonizing. Like women. After what you’ve done to them, why would they want to help you? It didn’t have to be that way, but it’s the way it is almost entirely because of you. And you will use the same emotional blackmail, threats and cajoling you’ve always used if the cynical appeals to the self-abnegation inculcated in traditional female socialization fail to give you what you demand. Again. Because there will always be more demands. Because of the ultimate untruth, futility, and unattainability of the “womanhood” you claim for yourself and the recognition of which you try to extract from everyone else. The forced compliance of the whole world will never be enough for the endlessly gnawing, insatiable, emptyness inside you will that you never be able to fill. You might think this hole is woman-shaped, that you can patch it up with play acting, but you can’t and you won’t. It’s just you. You’d better get used to it. Words may affirm, but Reality will only ever deny you, as you are demanding something you can never have, something you can never be.
Poor Steph was “made to feel uncomfortable by people.”
I wonder if he ever considered how many people were made to feel uncomfortable by him.
“Steph’s” Twitter tagline bio::
Specialist Paramedic Trans lead for the National Ambulance LGBT Network advisor to Trans in the City
So an actual activist, and not one of those quiet (and possibly mythical) “I just want to live my life and go about my business” trans folk. I wonder how often he’s wielded Stonewall’s version of the law in his trans activism, actively seeking out and provoking “transphobia.” It must be pretty heady, what with the power of the captured NHS and all its rainbow lanyards behind him. I wonder how often Steph has caused discomfort by prioritizing the needs of his “identity” over the needs of colleagues or patients. Sounds like his colleagues at this “work Christmas do” might be starting to feel free to speak their minds, to express their discomfort.
‘I wonder if he ever considered how many people were made to feel uncomfortable by him.’
Nope!
[…] a comment by Your Name’s not Bruce? on He was made to feel […]