Oh hey it turns out Trump didn’t go to the bunker to hide from the meany protesters, he went to inspect it. Because that’s what presidents do: they inspect the various rooms in the White House. They inspect for rat turds, for termite damage, for mold, for leaks, for fire hazards, for slippery bits, for toxins, for toadstools growing up through the floor, for rust, for stains, for splinters, for spills, for scratching by cats or weasels or gerbils, for bats, for spiders, for sour milk, for canned goods that have passed their “best by” date, for light bulb failures, for crooked blinds, for ugly curtains…frankly it’s a never-ending job.

During an interview with Fox News radio host Brian Kilmeade on Wednesday morning, Trump denied reports that he had taken shelter in the Presidential Emergency Operations Center out of safety concerns, claiming that he had gone down there for a mere inspection during the day on Friday before the protests turned violent that night.

“I went down during the day and I was there for a tiny little short period of time, and it was much more for an inspection,” he told Kilmeade.

Much more. Definitely. Presidents need to inspect the bunker because who the hell else is going to do it? Presidents also do all the cooking and the cleanup afterwards.

“Nope, they didn’t tell me that at all,” he replied when the Fox News host asked if the Secret Service had told him they needed to bring him down to the bunker for security reasons. “But they said it would be a good time to go down, take a look because maybe sometime you’re going to need it.”

“Sir, take a look, sir, because, sir, maybe you’re sir going to need it sir. You might sir need it sir, so right now would sir be a fabulous sir time to sir go look at it sir. Looking sir at it is crucial sir to its sir effectiveness sir.”

Trump claimed he’s visited the bunker “two or three times, all for inspection” (later in the interview, he said the visits were “two and a half, sort of, because I’ve done different things”).

He pissed in it? He raped a staffer in it? He drew on the walls in it?

The President insisted again that he was only down there “for a very very short period of time, very very short period of time.”

What I love about his use of language is the scrupulous avoidance of redundancy.

“I can’t tell you who went with me, but a whole group of people went with me as an inspecting factor,” he said.

Oh good, more eyes. Always good to have more eyes. You can’t have too many eyes inspecting the bunker.

The President also addressed his widely criticized photo-op in front of St. John’s Episcopal Church on Monday, which he had reportedly done merely to be seen outside the White House after having become upset by reports that he retreated to the bunker.

He denied ordering law enforcement to forcibly remove non-violent protesters and people at the church (including clergy) with teargas in order for him to stage the performance.

“I didn’t say, ‘Oh, move them out.’ I didn’t know who was there,” Trump told Kilmeade.

Oh really? Who did order it then? Who’s the freelance?