Parents go shopping and buy more appropriate clothes and toys
The epistemology of this stuff is so…horrendous.
Pink News: A transgender 4-year-old is transitioning before kindergarten.
Oh come on – what sense does that even make? What does “transitioning” mean for a 4-year-old? How can the parents possibly know the kid is “transgender”?
They will be the youngest person to transition openly in Australia, and will be settled in their new gender by the time they go to to school next year.
Despite the decision having been taken by the child’s parents to respect the child’s wishes to transition, and the opinions of gender specialist medical professionals, some have suggested that the child is “too young”.
What sense does it make to talk about the parents “respecting the child’s wishes to transition”? Children of 4 don’t speak Gender Politics. Children of 4 are not yet completely up to speed in the skill of distinguishing fantasy from reality.
Speaking to the Telegraph, clinical psychologist Michael Carr-Gregg said there is a clear difference between children who experiment with dressing up, for example, and those who experience gender dysphoria.
He said there is a “huge difference between dress-ups and a child believing with every fibre of their being they are in the wrong body.”
A child age four? I don’t believe it. I don’t believe there is any such “huge” difference. For a psychologist, Carr-Gregg seems to have a very naïve confidence that he can tell when a child believes X “with every fibre of their being.” News flash: nobody can tell that for sure about anybody. Basic epistemology: we can never know for sure what other people believe. Never.
The first comment demonstrates how horrifyingly regressive the ideology can get.
Let me explain what transitioning involves for a 4 year old.
For a boy, he goes to the barber and gets his hair cut short, takes maybe 5 minutes plus queuing time and time to get there and back. For a girl, she doesn’t go to the barber and grows her hair out. That might take about 6 months.
For all genders, parents go shopping and buy more appropriate clothes and toys. That takes a few hours.
Fucking hell – more “appropriate” clothes and toys. There is no such thing! Especially for four-year-olds! Except in the sense that children that young need clothes to play in more than clothes to sit still in. But the appropriate toys for children are ones they like, ones that will be fun and interesting and inspiring and broadly educational. Boys should have dolls and Lego, girls should have dolls and Lego.
This shit is not progressive, in any way. Rigid confining gender rules are not progressive, in any way.
One thing the best research we have so far (which is not great) suggests is that most children who express a desire/belief that they want to be/are the “other” gender “grow out of it” (not a great phrase but it’ll do). A few don’t. We don’t know what the difference is, but the odds are that a small child who expresses discomfort with their gender will not do so by the time they are in their late teen/early twenties.
So why are we rushing to “transition” a child of that age? Surely the best thing is to be low key. Let them have whatever haircut or clothes they want. If they’re uncomfortable with their name let them pick something androgynous. Leave them alone to experience what they experience without enforcing an adult interpretation of their mental state on them. Some quiet, low key therapy to see if there’s something going on that is being a catalyst for this (there’s some – not very robust, admittedly, but nor is any of the research in this area) evidence that trans folk may have a higher than usual of incidence of sexual abuse in their pasts. Let the child grow up and decide who and what they are for themselves at every stage of their life. Maybe he/she will still feel like this later on. Maybe not. There’s absolutely no way of knowing at this stage as we do not have any idea of how to distinguish children who will be consistently uncomfortable with their sex and those who will accept it.
Not to mention, a four year old cannot give informed consent to anything. That’s a red flag right there.
Am I wrong in seeing this as a sine qua non of binary and essentialist thinking, two ideas that we are supposed to (and I do!) reject?
Not wrong at all. That’s what so gruesome about it. Trans activism seems to be indistinguishable from that marketing ploy that divides everything into For Female People and For Male People.
I’ve seen research on children that suggests that children tend to be more rigid in their acceptance of gender roles – they have a very concrete idea of what is “girl” and what is “boy”. It seems to me that it might be better to wait until they’ve reached an age where they are more nuanced and less conforming before deciding to transition. Allowing them to play how they want to, and wear what they want to, is fine, great, etc. But assuming that they are the other gender on the basis of a preference for “boys” toys or “girls” toys, clothes, or haircuts (or names) seems a bit premature, especially when society is screaming out advertisement and other messages at kids about “proper” gender roles, and they are drinking it all in.
A child who wants to play with trucks would naturally assume they should be a boy, because that is what they are being told. A child who wants to play with dolls would naturally assume they should be a girl, because that is what they are being told. Even if their parents aren’t (and it sounds like a lot of these parents are, if they are buying “appropriate” toys and clothes), the children will experience it, unless they are locked in a bubble. And they will hear it from other kids – oh, look, Johnny is playing with girl toys! No, Betty, that’s for boys!
I know. I fought against those sorts of messages with my son, who was all over the place on what he liked to play with, wear, and do, and had some well loved girl cousins, so often played with “inappropriate” toys.
Same here. There’s time enough for that later.
Maybe one reason it seems urgent is that small children tend to be (as you say) especially rigid about it (no doubt because they’re learning the ropes themselves), and because they’re rude about asking questions. A small child who doesn’t conform to the idiotic gender rules that have swamped everything is likely to get rude questions like “WHAT ARE YOU??!”
I’m sure that’s a huge pain, but at the same time – there are downsides to “transitioning” a small child, too.
I think the more that the parents believe that there are gender-appropriate toys and clothes, the more likely their child is to think they are supposed to be the opposite sex. It’s the only way they are allowed access to the toys, clothes, and friends that make them happiest. Plus, they are getting adults to respect their decisions, which is a huge step forward for a child in getting a sense of control over their lives.
It’s the natural outcome of stores where everything is classified by gender and adults pushing gendered behavior on kids. Of course, some will want an alternative and if the parents won’t listen to “I want a tutu” but will listen to “I am a girl”, then the kid will insist on being a girl.
It seems incredibly bizarre, though, to listen to “I am a girl” but not “I want a tutu”…at least from a kid that young. Little kids want to try out everything!
My kid dressed up as a train for Halloween and told people in stores that his name was Fast Train.
(He’s not really a train.)
My son, at the age of four, was convinced he could grow up to be an elephant.
Did you encourage him to transition?
My (8 yrs) son has expressed interest in occasionally wearing dresses. After a few times, I asked if he was a boy or a girl. He looked at me like I had said something very stupid: “of course I’m a boy, I have a penis”. He’s allowed to wear dresses whenever he wants (weather depending). He has also refused to let me cut his hair (he wants it long). He’s allowed to have long hair, although I hate the rigmarole that goes with brushing it in the morning. There’s no reason boys can’t choose to have long hair and wear dresses, and he knows it. He’s heard me complain about sexism in movies and advertising more than enough times to get the gist. It’s not rocket science. If at some point he decides he’s a girl, he’ll have exactly the same options available to him as he does now.
The irony is that in times gone by long hair and skirt/dress like garb for manly men was just how it was. Alpha males displayed bright colours and swirling flashing clothing because it looked good and no doubt made them feel powerful and brave (cf boy with tutu).
And don’t forget high heels, tights and tasseled codpieces. Bring back the tasseled codpieces, I say.
Hmmmmm, tassles…
Admittedly, operating machinery with a tasselled codpiece would likely be a recipe for disappointment.
A missive from your local Intersectional And Shit Feminist: gender roles and uniforms are real.
Is there any study as to whether self-adoption of stereotype prevails over expressing contrarian views at that age?
I’m just asking, because age three to four is the natural age of oppositional character in kids. Expressing contrarian opinions and trying anything to resist parental/educational control really seems a general fact of child psychology at that age.
Or maybe that’s just a cultural bias, and parts of the world commit into normative abiding (strong rules), while other parts of the world just let the kid take control over parents (soft rules)?
Holms – what? I have no idea what you mean by “A missive from your local Intersectional And Shit Feminist: gender roles and uniforms are real.”
My favourite guide to gender-appropriate toys: http://www.duelinganalogs.com/infographic/how-to-tell-if-a-toy-is-for-boys-or-girls/
@ 18 Ophelia Benson
I suspect Holms is strawmanning trans-accepting feminists; suggesting that they are gender essentialists who believe gender roles and presentation are innate, rather than socially constructed.
Yes but I don’t care what anyone suspects, including me. I can come up with possible meanings myself, but what I want to know is what Holms in fact meant.
Strawmanning? How on earth is it strawmanning to see a parallel between sex-dependant clothing strictures and a uniform? OB criticised the sex-dependant ‘apropriate clothing’ idea at length, I simply took the blunt approach and called it a uniform. Though I will grant that the ‘intersectional and shit’ dig was gratuitous rather than useful.
And in case it needs stating, I think it reasonable to accept trans people while also rejecting essentialism.
Holms, it’s not, but it wasn’t clear what you were saying. At all. The pre-colon portion of your sentence made it impossible to figure out what you meant by the second portion.
I have only anecdotal evidence from my four year old self. My mother owned a preschool, and I was in constant rebellion of the rules as well as my clothing options. The boys could take off their shirts, and the girls couldn’t. I reasoned we all looked exactly the same to no avail. The boys received matchbox cars at Christmas, and the girls received a brush and mirror set…horrible. On top of all that, I had to wear dresses that showed my frilly underpants. I definitely resisted parental/educational control, usually to no avail. It did however, inspire a life-long penchant for rebellion and support of underdogs.
My anecdotal evidence resonates with Amy’s. To this day I despise wearing dresses. I like to think that my sons, growing up in the 1980s/1990s had a better experience. Their fondness for pink and sparkles and dolls and soft fluffy things was encouraged, along with their fondness for lego and trucks and trains and climbing trees. At the age of 4, my older son’s favourite colour was pink, and he spent many fun afternoons playing Barbies with the girl next door. No one suggested that made him a girl. As a young teen, my younger son was into more typically female pursuits such as drama and beadwork and creative writing, and (as a result of these interests) most of his friends were girls. But no one suggested that he was “really” a girl.
Fast forward to 2016 – I know some trans women who are very feminine, and feel most comfortable wearing dresses and are constantly interested in fashion/makeup etc. I also know some trans women who prefer jeans and tshirts. Though they do present as women, as far as I can tell they couldn’t care less about fashion, and are into “traditionally masculine” pursuits such as computers, cars, trains, astronomy etc.
Many trans people (but most especially very feminine ones) say that their lives would have been much better if they could have transitioned younger – they continue to be dismayed by the dysphoria caused by their broad shoulders and narrow hips and deep voices. I think that a lot of the push to get young kids to transition early may be coming from well-meaning trans people who want to spare other trans people from the grief they experienced themselves. Problem is, they seem to have grabbed on to gender essentialism as a way to help bolster their case. And I have a hard time believing that kids that are nowhere near puberty have a grasp of what it means to be “male” or “female” outside of externally observed (if not imposed) societal norms. (A lot of 3 & 4 year olds, especially if they have family pets, are still coming to understand the difference between being a human and being a cat or dog.)