Not a harmless tic
Molly Worthen objects to the substitution of “I feel” for “I think.” She’s not just picking a nit.
The imperfect data that linguists have collected indicates that “I feel like” became more common toward the end of the last century. In North American English, it seems to have become a synonym for “I think” or “I believe” only in the last decade or so. Languages constantly evolve, and curmudgeons like me are always taking umbrage at some new idiom. But make no mistake: “I feel like” is not a harmless tic. George Orwell put the point simply: “If thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.” The phrase says a great deal about our muddled ideas about reason, emotion and argument — a muddle that has political consequences.
Damn right. “I think” is something you can argue with. “I feel” not so much.
Yet here is the paradox: “I feel like” masquerades as a humble conversational offering, an invitation to share your feelings, too — but the phrase is an absolutist trump card. It halts argument in its tracks.
When people cite feelings or personal experience, “you can’t really refute them with logic, because that would imply they didn’t have that experience, or their experience is less valid,” Ms. Chai told me.
And for another reason, which is that they have already admitted it’s “just” a feeling, and only a bully would try to argue with a feeling. As Worthen says, it seems humble but actually blocks disagreement. Neat trick.
The problem here is not the open discussion of emotions. Ancient philosophers ranging from Confucius to the Greek Stoics acknowledged the role that emotion plays in human reasoning. In the 1990s, after many years of studying patients with brain damage, the neuroscientist Antonio Damasio put forward a hypothesis that is now widely accepted: In a healthy brain, emotional input is a crucial part of reasoning and decision making.
So when I called Dr. Damasio, who teaches at the University of Southern California, I worried that he might strike down my humanistic observations with unflinching scientific objectivity. He didn’t — he hates the phrase as much as I do. He called it “bad usage” and “a sign of laziness in thinking,” not because it acknowledges the presence of emotion, but because it is an imprecise hedge that conceals more than it reveals. “It doesn’t follow that because you have doubts, or because something is tempered by a gut feeling, that you cannot make those distinctions as clear as possible,” he said.
But we feel as if it follows, so…loop loop loop.
This is what is most disturbing about “I feel like”: The phrase cripples our range of expression and flattens the complex role that emotions do play in our reasoning. It turns emotion into a cudgel that smashes the distinction — and even in our relativistic age, there remains a distinction — between evidence out in the world and internal sentiments known only to each of us.
Yes it does, and this (as you’re probably tired of hearing by now) is one of the reasons I’m not convinced by some claims popular with some trans activists – because of the way claims about internal feelings are treated as both sacrosanct and dispositive. Internal sentiments known only to each of us are inherently unreliable and incommunicable (the latter by definition). Internal sentiments known only to each of us are no basis at all for demanding “belief” from other people.
If our students have any hope of solving the problems for which trigger warnings and safe spaces are mere Band-Aids, they must reject this woolly way of speaking their minds. “Cultivating the art of conversation goes a long way toward correcting these things,” Dr. Lasch-Quinn said. “Instead of caricaturing someone who says ‘I feel like,’ we can say, what does it mean to say that instead of ‘I think?’ ”
We can, yes, but we should prepare to get a lot of shit in response. We’re expected to comply, not to think and not to ask.
Otoh, this is another example of women picking up a phrase to “soften” their language so that they aren’t seen as too abrasive in the workplace, and then getting criticized for not using the more clear and decisive language of men. I’m glad to see the professor is actually approaching this in a positive way with her students, though, so that they can avoid doing it unthinkingly without getting shamed for adopting a popular speech dodge.
I also suggest that it is not *always* wrong. When one is using “I statements” to discuss an issue with someone, “I feel that–” *is* a correct construction, because you are talking about feelings. When I felt like my husband was telling me to do the dishes by gathering up dishes and then leaving them in the sink, it *was* a feeling and it was also incorrect. When I brought it up, he explained that he liked to load the dishwasher in one fell swoop and piled up the dishes until he was ready to run a load. At the same time, I didn’t *think* or believe he was actually trying to give unspoken orders, because that’s not his style and I figured if it was there it was subconscious, but the whole issue was really how I felt because of not understanding his actions.
However, I agree that it is terribly overused and that it is incorrect (and slightly annoying) when people use it to bring up thoughts rather than feelings. .
I was seventeen in 1963 when Gregory Peck in the film Captain Newman, M.D. explained that when dealing with the mentally ill it is best to say “I feel” rather than I think because they can’t argue with how you feel but they will argue with what you think, all day long.
I have never forgotten it.
In the eighties I saw personnel become human resources, and cable news bobbleheads eschew opinion for belief.
Thank you for bringing this up. I feel very alone sometimes when I share my opinion on thought ending cliches, and manipulative language.
You’re so not alone. I have so many opinions on thought ending clichés and manipulative language. SO MANY.
There was a trend in conflict resolution back in the late 80’s, early 90’s (?) to ‘take responsibility’ for your own part in proceedings. One of the recommendations was to replace phrasing such as ‘When you do X, it makes me Y’, with ‘I feel Y when you do X’. I wonder if this relates in some way. I FEEL as if it does…
Rob – another part of that trend was quite insidious. The idea was that we weren’t miserable about our work because our bosses treated us badly, it was because we minded that they were treating us badly. So “I feel” as a means for taking responsibility for oneself was also a way of making the victim take the responsibility for being victimized. It’s the old idea that no one can hurt me unless I let them…which is pure bullshit. That trope, unfortunately, will not die. Bosses trying to “improve” the workplace often do it by bringing in “motivational” speakers who like to tell us how we should feel about things, how we should change ourselves rather than trying to change the awful situations. One of the speakers my boss brought in went so far as to tell us that people who were unhappy with their work were “poopy people”, and we should stay away with them. No, it’s not a toxic work environment, not unless you let yourself be bothered by sexism, racism, or whatever else it is you’re having to deal with as an employee.
So I for one would like to see that “I feel this about this…” go away, because it’s not just a conversation stopper, it’s also a nice tool for victim blaming. It’s not the fault of the one who did something horrible to you – it’s your fault, because your eye wouldn’t have turned black if you hadn’t let it!
This reminds of Marshal Rosenberg and his concept of non-violent communication. When you want to resolve a conflict he too find it important that you tell about how you feel in response to how the other acts. But he makes a distinction that is very important to him between feelings and pseudo feelings (I am not sure about the jargon here). The latter are the interpretations behind our feelings, but expressed as feeling.
So if I understand him properly, you can’t say you feel betrayed. Because betrayed is not a feeling. It is of course possible things happened that you understand as betrayal, but betrayal is your understanding of the situation, it is not your feeling, which can be disgust, bewilderment … or any combination.
Somewhere in one of his books, F.M. Alexander made the same observation from the other end: that all too often when people say that they ‘think’ something, they are only referring to what they ‘feel.’
Unable to perceive the difference subjectively.
Unless the statement refers to the speaker’s internal state only, the assertion someone makes by invoking a feeling can be ignored.
The popular news media term that makes me want to rant unfettered is “self-described,” and is always applied to people who dare to think outside the confines of acceptable opinion. Bernie Sanders is called a “self-described democratic socialist,” someone else is referred to as a “self-described atheist” or a “self-described anarchist” or “self-described radical feminist”. GAH!!! To me, this comes across as “of course, no one would every *really* think like this, but hey, if that’s the term they want to use, , we’ll let them”.
I apologize for jumping off-topic, so I will add that I have been trying to incorporate “I think” into my dialogues for a while now.