If a woman has her headphones in, the answer is never
Martha Mills at the Guardian has thoughts on Dan Bacon’s how to intrude on women advice:
Here’s Dan’s interpretation of how the conversation goes once a man has used his infallible five-point Jedi mind trick to bludgeon a woman from her blissful state of aural security:
You: [Smile in a friendly, confident manner] Hey – I know it’s not normal for people to talk to someone with headphones in, but I was walking along and saw you and thought – wow, she’s a cutie, I have to say hi. I’m Dan, what’s your name?
Woman: [Usually flattered by the compliment and impressed by your confidence to approach her like that] Jessica.
You: [Add in some humor] Cool…nice to meet you Jessica. I don’t normally talk to girls with headphones, but your big green headphones were just calling out to me.
Woman: [Most likely laughing, smiling and enjoying the interaction].
You: [Let her know that you have something to do/somewhere to go, so she understands that you’re not going to stand there talking to her for 30 minutes] Anyway, so I’m just out doing a bit of shopping at the moment. I’m on my way to a store up the street. How’s your day going so far?
In his scenario, Jessica has just been waiting her whole life to be blessed with the attention of a complete stranger who mistakes hunched shoulders, darting eyes and rictus for laughing and smiling.
Here’s how it plays out in real life. Trust me, I’ve been it, seen it and spoken to the survivors:
Him: I see you don’t want to be talked to but I find you physically attractive and I’m making that your problem.
Her: Please leave me alone.
Him: FUCK YOU, YOU STUCK UP BITCH, I DIDN’T FANCY YOU ANYWAY.
Then she explains how threatening and insulting all this really is:
I appreciate the world of mating is hard but please, for the love of humanity, learn this: just because you want, doesn’t mean you can have. Women are not commodities to be hunted and won, and if you have no luck finding someone to bump pink bits with, that’s your problem, not our fault for not adhering to the playbook rules. It’s a playbook we never signed up for and it’s only a game if both teams actually know they’re playing.
Nowhere in his advice does Dan tell his frustrated man-babies how to handle rejection with grace, because the advice is simply not to accept it. This attitude is why I and countless other women have been been chased down the street, followed home, physically restrained, spat at, verbally abused and generally made to feel like garbage, merely for trying to exist.
So when, I hear the whiny pissbabies ask, when am I allowed to approach hot single women? Simple.
If a woman has her headphones in, the answer is never – and before you bleat on about “ooh, what if there’s a fire?”, she’ll smell it, even through all your bullshit. If you’re in a bar or party, her flirtatious smile may be the come-on you’re looking for, but be prepared to accept that you read it wrong, politely wish her a good evening and toddle back off out of her life without 20 minutes of awkward pawing, insisting she let you buy her a rohypnoltini. But how about this; take up a hobby, ask your friends if they know of someone looking to date or (brace yourself for a whopper of a revelation) if you’re looking for a horde of single, eligible women all looking for friendship-maybe-more in one convenient place, try a dating site.
Here’s a tip from me: don’t assume you have a “sense of humor” in the sense of being amusing to other people. It’s not something you can just assume and it doesn’t included along with the testicles.
Hey c’mon, if I can’t accost random babes with my amusingness, what’s the point of having testicles?!
/s
So, where’s this alleged humour? Green headphones mean ‘please hit on me’ because, I guess, traffic lights.
And yet, in social media space, it seems that the same women reduced to eye-rolling, tooth-grinding frustration by intrusive strangers, the same women, will whinge about wanting men to be ‘confident.’
You know, ‘confident’ men…like Trump, Manson, Bundy (Ted and Cliven) etc.
I’ve had guys try this sort of thing a few times. It ranges from irritating to downright creepy. These guys often target numerous women in public places. I had a guy approach me in Charing Cross Road in London, telling me he didn’t normally do this sort of thing (in the polished manner of someone who does it all the time) but he was so overcome with my beauty he had to stop me. As soon as I mentioned that I was married he just walked away to look for the next target. No manners, whatsoever.
I am now going to give you an example of when it’s OK to talk to a woman wearing headphones. This afternoon I was about 10 minutes early for a 2pm appointment, and was lying on the grass with my eyes closed, listening to a podcast on my Ipod. I was disturbed by a tween-age boy asking me if I was all right. I took off my headphones and assured him that I was, just taking a break, and thanked him for his concern; he and his slightly older appearing friend complimented me on my accent, and they went on their way.
I suspect the term you are seeking is ‘confidence men’?
And also, I’m not sure your implication in the preceding paragraph is well-based. Except to set up for the “punch” line? (Geddit? ;-) )
Yeah, apparently John thinks a feminist space is a good place to whine about how women are soooooo inconsistent (and not all identical in their wants!) and there’s just no way for a guy to win, doncha know, and they really just like the bad boys anyway.
John, don’t be such a whiner. That’s what women don’t like about you. They say you aren’t confident because you think the way to converse with the is to whiiiiiiiiiine about how women don’t liiiiiiiiiiiike you, because you’re too niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.
I don’t know, I thought you were better than that, actually.
A confidant man can construct a rational argument when talking with a woman he knows, listen to her rational argument, and not have his self-image crumble if she turns out to be the one who has better reasons on her side. A confidant man can set life goals that don’t depend on putting others beneath him, but rather, raising others up with him. A confidant man is happy if his wife earns more than him. There are a lot of good things about confidence.
Narcissists do not have confidence. They have *low* self-esteem they have to constantly prop up– for instance, trying to reassure themselves of their social skills by interrupting women wearing headsets. Another example is Trump– he can’t take criticism, because in reality, he has no confidence.
Heh, by a quirk of coincidence I just had reason to google what BATNA means (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). Seems tangentially applicable here? From the wiki:
@John # 3
You’re trolling, right? You are. Aren’t you? Really? I… well, OK. Public service announcement:
Yes, women like confident men. And, it is my observation, men like confident women. Confident people know their own worth and understand what they can bring to a social interaction. Because they are confident they accept a rejection by backing off with perhaps a minor pang of disappointment, a shrug and acceptance. Because they are confident in themselves that rejection does not hit their self-esteem so very hard that they become aggressive and abusive. They will shrug it off knowing there are plenty more fish in the sea and that they themselves are perfectly good enough to find one. They are confident enough in their social manners that they understand how and when to strike up a conversation with another human being. They are happy to read social cues (and, contrary to legend, men are perfectly well able to read said cues).
The men who need these “five point plans” are not confident. Quite the opposite. They are unhappy and feel they have been cheated by life. These “game” plans actually produce that odd mixture of arrogance and insecurity that can pass for confidence at first glance but that falls rather badly under further scrutiny. Their deep lack of faith in themselves means that approaching a woman and getting knocked back actually hits at their self image in the way it wouldn’t for a truly confident man – hence the ubiquitous, “didn’t fancy you anyway, slag,” response that I reckon every single woman has experienced at least once (and many of us a wearying number of times).
So, yes, we (those of interested in men) do like confident men. Confident men don’t hassle us, take no for an answer, don’t abuse us when we say no, where necessary are able to maintain a pleasant working relationship with us post rejection. They’re interesting to talk to, will listen to us talk and won’t assume out sexual history or general sexual ethics reflects on them. Why wouldn’t we want a man like that?
Relevant: http://ursulav.livejournal.com/1680540.html