Approaching a woman in a confident, easy going way
Today’s trending jackass is an Australian “dating expert” called Dan Bacon, who wrote an expertise-filled piece on how to make some bitch take her fucking headphones off and let you try to get in her pants. It’s full of quite startling delusion (or dishonesty). Like:
Some women like to test to see how confident a guy is by ignoring his attempts to converse with her and then seeing what he does next.
Does he become nervous and awkward? Does he walk away in shame, or does he remain calm and continue talking to her in a confident, easy-going manner?
If a guy gives up at the first sign of resistance, a woman like her will lose interest because he lacks the type of confidence that she looks for in a guy.
He’s very keen on confidence as the way to get a woman to stop doing what she’s doing and pay attention to him instead. Beware of these common mistakes:
3. Not leading the conversation
If a shy guy stands in front a woman and is lost for words, she’s most likely going to just put her headphones back in or say, “Nice to meet you. Bye” as she walks away to get away from him.
You have approached her, so you can’t expect her to be the one making all the conversation. You’ve got to lead the way.
Leading a conversation with a woman is not about bossing her around, being arrogant or being too assertive as you talk to her. Instead, you simply need to remain confident and keep the conversation going in a relaxed, easy going manner.
4. Sticking to polite or reserved conversation
If a guy gets a woman to take off her headphones to talk to him and then only engages her in a polite, reserved conversation, she’s probably not going to be very enthusiastic about talking to him for long.
So, make sure that you have the confidence to talk to her and be real. Just let your natural personality and sense of humor come through as you talk to her in a confident, easy going manner, rather than trying to be too polite or reserved.
I trust you’re getting the hang of it? Don’t be polite, be confident and easy going and let your sense of humor (which it goes without saying is killer) come through. Women love that. A little confident, easy going explanation goes a long way, too. Ask her what she does, and when she tells you, explain it to her.
Also you have to understand about who does what. It’s hard-wired, you know. That’s science.
As you may have noticed, women usually don’t go around actively approaching men in public places or even in bars or clubs.
Women know that is the man’s role to be confident enough to walk over and talk to a woman he finds attractive, so they have a chance to meet. If he doesn’t do that, a woman will rarely walk over and talk to him first.
So, don’t ever think that you’re doing a bad thing by approaching and talking to a woman in a confident, easy going way.
Most single women are open to being approached by a confident guy, so that they can have a chance to meet a potential new lover or boyfriend.
Right. There’s no chance at all that the reason they’re not actively approaching you is that they don’t want to approach you – no no, it’s that their mating-wiring tells them to stand very still and wait for you to approach in a confident, easy going way.
And in conclusion –
The key to talking to a woman who is wearing headphones (or who has her face buried into her smartphone and checking Facebook) is to be confident, relaxed and easy going as you talk to her.
Of course, not all women who wear headphones are open to being approached or hoping to be approached. However, you can only find that out by starting a conversation and seeing what happens.
Who knows, she might just be your perfect girl, so go ahead and talk to her.
Yes! Never hesitate to interrupt and bother a woman. Women are public property, after all, so if you see one you want to talk to fuck, interrupt and bother her! It’s your right!
I would add to that bit, has her face stuck in a book. I don’t know how many books have been interrupted by some jerk who thought the fact that I was reading meant I really, really, really wanted to flirt with him, and be hit on by him.
I’ll be honest. I like my books more than I like being hit on by men.
Oh, yes, I *love* being interrupted by people who aren’t even polite. Go ahead. I’m sure I will show just how much I appreciate your lack of politeness. ::face shows something like a grin, but are teeth supposed to be that shiny and pointy?::
I want to set up a thought exercise for the Fans of Dan.
When you see a woman running in the park, imagine she’s a brain surgeon. She might well be. She did her scheduled 10 hours in theatre today and was ready to go home when an emergency case came in after an accident. So she scrubs up again and does another 2 hours.
A colleague, noticing this, has offered to go to her place and make her a supper. Also to put on the wash which is already in the machine. She, rather later than usual, is doing her regular timed 2 mile run – that’s twice around the park – so that after she’s showered, eaten, talked to her friend about the conference he’s just back from and the paper he gave she can sleep. She’s back on duty at 8 in the morning.
Therefore, dear idiot, she doesn’t want idle conversation. She doesn’t want sex with a random stranger. She doesn’t want her winding-down routine interrupted. She doesn’t want to talk to you.
But how can you know that? Easy! She has her earphones in. It’s a signal, silly!
OK, so the man’s a serious creep but look at the responses here:
“Therefore, dear idiot, she doesn’t want idle conversation”
“She doesn’t want to talk to you.”
“She has her earphones in. It’s a signal, silly!”
“I’m sure I will show just how much I appreciate your lack of politeness”
“I like my books more than I like being hit on by men.”
If this sort of response wasn’t always in the offing (earphones of no), and if by some miracle it was restricted to the likes of Dan Wosisname, then Dan would have practically no readers. But for the rest of us men, it seems to me, advice like “faint heart never won fair maiden” is in absolutely no danger of obsolescence.
I think you’d do better by your cause if you would admit that the boot isn’t always on the same foot. It provides a good explanation for Dan W’s preoccupation with confidence.
Jahweh, NO!
Headphones/earbuds are s much used as a “don’t talk to me” signal that many women use them whent hey aren’t even listening to something. Just because she’s not overtly hostile doesn’t mean she’s not cringing inside.
Try talking to a group of women– you aren’t as likely to seem threatening to them if they have friends with them. Approach women at places made for socialization. Ask yourself if you would appreciate it if a gay man came up to you in the same situation and started conversation. Most of all, bear in mind women are PEOPLE and have their own plans. Talking to you was not one of their plans.
In fact, Jahweh, this guy stays in business because he tells men like you WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.
Women tell you WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW, and will do it for free.
People buy bad advice all the time. Astrologers stay in business. Palm readers stay in business. They all stay in business by telling people what they want to hear and keeping them coming back.
So try listening to women. They say they’d rather be approached by strangers only in actual social venues: bars, clubs (night club or social club), dating sites. I would add to that hobby clubs and classrooms– you’ll be doing something interesting together and can figure out if you like each other. I don’t think you will “win fair lady” by accosting women at bus stops, running errands, or who are trying to do their job.
Think of it this way; the social environment, or lack thereof, is a pretty simple thing to read and plan around. This is a positive. You don’t have to waste your time creeping on strangers on the street.
Because every shy, nervous guy has an inner “natural personality” and “sense of humor” he can call upon at will! And in case you do choke up, just follow one of my surefire not-at-all phonysounding little scripts!
I feel bad for the genuinely shy, lonely guys who get suckered in by this sort of crap. Somebody repeating the word “confident!” at you eleventy-three times isn’t really going to help.
Claiming to be an expert and making money shoveling this can work to suggest to lonely, clueless men that he knows what he is talking about – after all, he’s still in business, and they’re tempted enough by the “making money doing X” to “good at doing X” inference. So if they do what he suggests and fail (because, in fact, he’s telling them to go bother women relentlessly), they can suppose that it’s themselves at fault, and they’re just not being “confident” or “easy-going” enough. After all, if they have to seek this advice out, and they don’t have the ability or background to actually talk to women and find out how they indicate they are not interested in talking to strange men, they’re probably not confident in their approach anyway.
They start off (maybe) well-meaning guys who aren’t anything worse than not already familiar with women as people (on the whole and in a lot of ways) rather like themselves, and get turned into obnoxious stalkers by this.
Jahweh,
As Samantha says, listen to women.
Do you go up to men reading and demand that they talk to you, that they flirt with you even? Do you go up to men out jogging and demand that they converse with you on the basis of no known common interest? Do you get all het up and defensive when you try to start a conversation and the man walks away? Probably not but the way you are addressing this issue suggests that you might just be daft enough.
When women are interested in making new friends and acquaintances they put themselves into social situations where casual conversation is easy – a bar, a hobby club, something like that – but no-one is under any obligation to begin or to continue any particular conversation, to stay while the other person bores them to death or to agree to see them privately.
You, though, seem to be trying to put some random woman into a position where she is obliged to put your sexual curiosity ahead of all other considerations. It’s not on!
As for “faint heart never won fair lady” do you even know where that notion comes from? Think France in the fourteen century and the cultural aberration which produced the troubadours. Sure, that produced some middling poetry and some slightly better songs but it was a game played by the elite and was almost entirely played in people’s heads. It involved men getting or pretending to get a crush on a woman of high social status and drooling poetically all over her, knowing that she had the clout to get him beaten up, locked up or disappeared if he went too far. It was a game of “how far dare I go” and does not translate to the New York subway or wherever in the twenty-first century.
There is another way of going about this if you’d be interested. Imagine that women are people. They are on the way to, say, an interview or having a least read of their brief before they appear in court. Or they might just be trying to pick up the bread and milk on the way home to feed the kids. It doesn’t matter. No matter how superficially you may be attracted to someone at first glance she owes you nothing. Stop trying to remake the world so that she does. Stop trying to convince us? yourself? that women like it. We don’t. And look out for all those signals which say, before you open your mouth, I do not wish to speak to you.
If you can understand a clenched fist coming towards you then you can understand earbuds or hunched shoulders, a refusal to make eye contact. If you try.
[…] a comment by Maureen Brian on Approaching a woman in a confident, easy going […]
Also, Jahweh, assuming you ever come back here and read the responses to you, my comment on “showig my appreciate for your lack of politeness” was NOT regarding the mere act of talking to me, but the advice that awful writer was giving men to “not be overly polite”. Sure, he *could* mean “make meaningful conversation, not small talk”, but it’s not what he says. Furthermore, he’s writing for the same audience who read advice on “negging” (giving backhanded compliments to women), invading a woman’s boundaries, saying rude things to “challenge” a woman, etc. When he says don’t be overly polite, he means,”go ahead and try being rude,”.
You think I should be nice to men who are being rude to me? I am a person. I have as much right to be treated respectfully as any man does, and if he treats me rudely, I will treat him rudely– and I have far more wit with which to burn his ego to the ground. #MasculinitySoFragile