But the abbreviation “poly” is already in use

Listen up – you have to stop saying “poly” when you mean “polyamorous.” Aida Manduley says so.

In case you haven’t stumbled upon this (I just heard about it two days ago myself),  here’s the scoop—a Polynesian person on Tumblr made the following call to action:

Hey, can any polyamory blogs with a follower count please inform the palagi portion of the community that “poly” is a Polynesian community identifier, and is important to our safe spaces.
Using “polyamory” is cool just like using “polygender” and “Polyromantic” and or Polysexual” is cool. But the abbreviation “poly” is already in use.

Oh well then, that settles it. An abbreviation that’s already in use can never be used by other people for other things.

Being on the receiving end of “stop using a word” or “you’re being oppressive” isn’t an easy pill to swallow. Whenever I get called out for something—most likely ableism since it’s an axis of oppression I don’t personally experience and am still learning a lot about—there’s often a knee-jerk reaction in there. A “don’t tell me what to do” demon on my shoulder who loves getting self-righteous and hates being wrong, whose first line of defense is “it’s not even that big of a deal.”

You can tell what’s coming, though, can’t you. You can hear it far away up the tracks, just the faintest vibration so far – but it’s moving fast. She’s going to tell us that she overcomes all that because she’s such a good and justicey person.

But then I take a breath and realize I’m being ridiculous even if it’snormal.

I’m not being my best self in those moments, and I need to hold compassion for my own feelings but also push past them if they’re not serving my values of kindness and justice.

She’s so justicey she bolds that part. Her values are justice and kindness, unlike those other poopyheads who keep using the word “poly” to not mean Polynesian.

Overall, individuals and communities are perpetually trying to find ways to describe themselves and their lives, and that can be really tough especially if the words are related to identities that are devalued and marginalized. While “labels are for soup-cans” and we’re so much more complex than words could ever describe, language is a powerful thing that helps both reflect and create our world. It helps build communities, express our emotions, and even pass down our histories. It helps us name our struggles, craft banners for solidarity, and connect for change. It makes sense people have a lot of feelings about it!

She’s such a good person. She’s kind of a dull and didactic writer though. “Language is a powerful thing” – you don’t say.

Language is ever-evolving and it’s a beautiful thing when more words can become available, when more ways of understanding our world are accessible. But that doesn’t happen without friction. Sometimes our knee-jerk reactions to new words or identities come from a place of holding onto what we’ve been taught and being uncomfortable with change.

Oh gosh, that’s so wrong of us.

What I mean is that we need to hold space for growth and be willing to move in new directions with our terminology—that regardless of how defensive our initial “Don’t Tell Me What To Do” shoulder-demons might be, we MUST move in a direction of empathy and kindness, particularly to those in marginalized communities with long legacies of experiencing colonialism and other forms of structural oppression.

Like Polynesians, god damn it. Their name starts with poly so that’s their word, you colonialist shoulder-demon shits.

So what we’re talking about here is clarity as well as empathy and willingness to listen.

Whether these Tumblr folks represent a few dozen, a few hundred, or a fewthousand, the questions remain the same: what are we, non-Polynesian “poly” people and our allies, going to do to provide clarity to our language and stand in solidarity with however many Polynesians want this change? More importantly, what does this situation, and the pushback from members of “the polyamorous community,” tell us about language adoption and resistance to change in our communities?

Um…that we’re doing it wrong? That we should apologize and promise never to do it again? That we’re not nice people after all? That we don’t bold things enough?

As someone in the sexuality field AND a polyamorous person with a big tech geek streak, I value useful search terms and disambiguation. Heck, as a super Type A person that drools over nice spreadsheets, regardless of other sexual or racial identities, I think it’s crucial that we make the Internet an easier, more organized place to browse.

Bahahahahahaha, I’m happy for her and her nice spreadsheets identity, but I’m still calling my parrot Polly and she can’t stop me.

 

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