Come on in, the water’s fine
Good ne-ews – any religion, every religion can get you into heaven, and even better than that, the absence of religion can get you there too. Stone the crows! So there are no entry requirements at all! We’re all saved, no matter how spotty or bad-tempered or unfunny.
According to the American public anyway. This isn’t actually a factual discovery, it’s just the outcome of an opinion survey. The news is actually just that ‘Americans think’ you can get into heaven if you’re a Christian, or a Muslim, or a Buddhist, or an atheist, among other possibilities. In other words ‘Americans think’ whatever they feel like thinking. Not really news at all then. Ah well.
That’s not my favourite part though; my favourite part is this:
Also, many Christians apparently view their didactic text as flexible. According to Pew’s August survey, only 39 percent of Christians believe that the Bible is the literal word of God, and 18 percent think that it’s just a book written by men and not the word of God at all.
I love that ‘only’ – only 39 % of Christians believe that God actually wrote the bible in the same sense in which I am writing this. The 18% who think the bible is written by humans is equally risible – only 18% of a large segment of the population actually accept the blindingly obvious: that the bible, like other books, was written by human beings. The roughly 40% in between those two presumably believe the usual intermediate offering: that god ‘inspired’ human beings to write the bible – so that actually 80% of a large segment of the population believe that that ragbag of stories and poetry and bloodcurdling threats was to some extent made by a supernatural being who doesn’t make house calls. ‘Only’ about 80% of Christians believe raving nonsense.
And I can go to heaven with them. Terrific. I’d really rather not.
So there is hope after-all, for all at B&W of entering, without fail, those purly gates of Heaven. What in God’s name have ye done to deserve this great hounour? Heaven, which is a state, or place of perfect happiness, where the blessed see and enjoy God forever, has, by all accounts, an open-gate policy for those
without any kind of religion.
Just think – how little ye have to work at – in being perpetually holy?
Of course atheists and agnostics get to go to heaven.
What I’m wondering is, where do the Satanists go? And assuming they also go to heaven, is that really fair to them? Can one opt out of this heaven thing?
Someone call Pew and get this sorted out, ASAP.
-CM
My main source of info about Satan (the original Bedazzled w/Peter Cook as the fallen angel) suggests that he spends a lot of energy earning his way back upstairs. So maybe the satanists get to go along too.
Personally I am looking forward to petting the wild animals and the meet-and-greet with people wearing their native costumes (Source, Awake Magazine). I hope they have free wi-fi.
I don’t like this casual American attitude towards heaven, not one bit. If Christians are right about any of this heaven and hell stuff – and of course I believe they’re ludicrously wrong, or rather that they are so off-base that their claims aren’t even wrong – but if they are even vaguely right, I’d rather go to hell.
Take the Mormons, for example. Mormons believe that heaven is an eternity spent with your family. Since I cannot imagine a worse hell than eternity with my family, I’m all for skipping their view of heaven in exchange for whatever their hell has in store.
And wasn’t there also a relatively recent papal declaration to the effect that hell isn’t a realm of actual literal eternal torture, but rather a state of eternal separation from God? Well if der Popenfuhrer speaks for God, then God is a horrible git and I’d rather keep well apart from Him, thankyouverymuch.
So cut out this liberal-minded nonsense, religious America! As an atheist, I’d much rather be consigned to what you think of as hell than spend eternity in whatever horrible heaven you’ve conceived. Awful, awful place, this heaven you imagine. Twain didn’t mock it nearly as much as it deserves.
The eternity spent with your family heaven sounds like the old W.C. Fields joke about Philadelphia. Funny if heaven is eternity spent with your family being all Christiany and hell is eternity spent with a lot of really interesting amusing people being godless.
You mean I get to go to Heaven without the need to believe in piffle? Whoo-ha!
But I get to choose which Heaven, right?
I’m voting ‘Present’ on this survey, and waiting to see what happens.