Guest post: A weird bit of cultural judo
Originally a comment by Patrick on Something as simple as holding a purse.
It’s both. The real cultural “masculine ideal” is to be so clearly manly that you can wear a pink shirt or carry a purse without anyone blinking because your masculine dignity or whatever is so strong that not even a purse would cause anyone to question you. See Dwayne Johnson for reference. He can wear a pink shirt or a tutu or whatever and it’s fine because his masculinity is unassailable. The culturally ideal move for a guy asked to hold a purse or buy tampons or whatever is to simply do so with a bearing that makes it clear that nothing funny or embarrassing is happening- obviously you are doing these things on behalf of a woman or female child, because you are a gentleman.
It’s a weird bit of cultural judo. The embarrassing (because people will make fun of you and say it’s your purse or whatever) transforms into a point of masculine superiority (because you have so much more masculine dignity than anyone who would play childish games by teasing you in that manner, with a subtext of “the fact that I’m holding a girly purse proves my masculinity by evidencing that I have attracted and obtained a woman”).
Masculinity is dumb and a lot of work and particularly annoying because being above it (not caring) looks exactly like being really into it (pretending you’re too cool to care). And by the time you figure out you shouldn’t care you’ve probably internalized a bunch of stuff. I don’t dress like the whisky guys but you would definitely find that aesthetic in my wardrobe and chosen accessories (real leather, real wool, dark colors, etc). Do I like that because I like it or because I was programmed to like it? Oops! That’s not a valid distinction.
I was once made fun of for ordering Baileys at a bar on a work-trip. It took me a couple of minutes to realise that the point was that Baileys is supposed to be a girly drink, and therefore an assault on my precious manhood. This is not an attack I am very familiar with; I usually move in better social circles, or –ideally– no social circles at all because fuck other people.
When my penny finally dropped I politely asked Mr. Funny if it isn’t exhausting to always be so anxious about one’s masculinity, which ended the joke pretty definitively in my favour by popular vote. I suspect however that sarcasm doesn’t really work as a riposte for most people.
And here I am with a liter of Baileys ready for new years eve!
Yum yum.
So… if someone makes fun of you for doing somethin unmasculine and you then blow it off or make fun of that person’s insecurity, does that mean that you’ve really asserted your truly superior masculinity and have just won mega macho points?
There’s no escaping the game, is there.
No, there’s no escaping it.
I don’t see a problem with pointing out that someone’s carping at you to conform to gender stereotypes out of an apparent insecurity on their part. I don’t think that’s trumping their masculinity with your own. I think you also get a pass on picking on them for their insecurity when they’re trying to foist it onto you.
People are so weird about this, and a lot of it involves alcohol. I’ve been criticized in a that’s-not-manly way for liking “foo-foo drinks” (any sweet mixed drink), any type of margarita other than lime, lagers instead of ales, and jagermeister (don’t I know it’s more of a medicine than a drink in Germany?). I’m apparently lucky I don’t like blush/rosé wine because that is suspect as well. Who comes up with this stuff?
I love that picture. Dwayne isn’t holding a purse but … that dog…
What do you mean with: “There is no escaping the game”?
If you mean there is no escape from assholes who will occasionally try to drag you into the game, you are right but that is just a specific application of the observations that assholes will be assholes.
But it is possible to make the decisions in your life without considering whether such a decision is feminine or masculine or in how far a particular decision may be a threat to your “masculinity” whatever that may be. There is a difference between playing the game and occasionally pretending to play the game in order to deal with assholes.
@Margot #4 “does that mean that you’ve really asserted your truly superior masculinity and have just won mega macho points?”
I’d prefer to think of it as asserting a superior lack-of-insecurity; no gender associations required. I am a man (nobody would be in any doubt about that given my appearance) and I don’t need masculinity to make that work.
There’s no escape from the culture, but the only way to win is not to play the game. To point out the game is no good and no fun. I did not imply that being insecure is feminine, or that it must be a sign of non-masculinity. Just that being insecure about your masculinity is an unattractive and counter-productive thing.
I meant that in reference not to the Baileys story, but the original post’s point about the cultural judo, where by pointing out you’re not bothered by masculinity, you in fact show your superior masculinity. Though I do think the two go well together, as in by subverting the attempted gender role bullying a man may end up inadvertently shoring up even greater manliness points, thus propping up the system whether he wanted to or not. That is, if the surrounding people share the assumption that the truly super extra masculine thing to do is to not have to care whether you come off as masculine or not.
The “no escaping” didn’t mean that one personally couldn’t ignore masculinity or femininity demands in one’s decision making. It meant that no matter what you do, it may be impossible to be truly seen as rejecting those demands. I meant that it can be a damned if you do, damned if you don’t sort of thing.
The desperate insecurity and weaponized homophobia are treated as if they were Human Nature. Blindly accepting that claim is already a submission to the mental standards of the MRA/PUA mob.
‘Same-Sex Dynamics Among Nineteenth-Century Americans: A Mormon Example’ By D. Michael Quinn, is worth a look. Barely 1.5 centuries ago, men actually walked the Earth without living in a constant panic over their manly-man status.
Even the appearance of unconcern stands out. The absence of terrified boy conformity seems to bring a halt to the usual flow of power and status competition.
chigau @ 7 – that’s why I chose that photo. I didn’t find any with a pink shirt or a tutu so little bulldog is standing in for them.
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Foo-foo drinks – I was thinking about that the other day. It’s not just a gender thing, there’s a whole Thing about loving alcohol for itself. Like the obsession over very very dry martinis for instance – competition over how little vermouth you can add. That’s definitely not just for men, it’s for all people who are Truly Serious about alcohol. It’s weirdly moralized, or moral-aestheticized. Rum and coke for instance – SO frowned on. But, I always wonder, why is it considered a virtue to love alcohol?
I hate it, myself; really really hate it. I find it harsh and acrid and unpleasant. Vodka and gin, especially, I detest. Problem? I don’t see why it should be. I’ve known a lot of alcoholics and I much prefer hating the stuff to being destroyed by it.
Ha, maybe pushing purer alcohol was originally done to limit drinking but then turned into its own weird thing.
On a similar note, the pride over having a high tolerance always struck me as silly, especially in the broke college days. Getting buzzed on one tiny cheap drink would have been preferable.
I’m having some Bailey’s right now…
Only the other day, the movie “Ted” premiered here in Sweden. (Haven’t seen it.) It’s about singer-songwriter Ted Gärdestad (though perhaps his elder brother did much of the creative work, at least many clever texts) who was a mega hit in the 70’s and 80’s. No problem that he wore long wavy hair, embroidered blouses and sang romantic songs in a high voice — nobody questioned his manliness, maybe because he was so young and talented. He was still much too young to die, troubled by mental issues and quite possibly as a result of tabloids wantonly accusing him of having shot Olof Palme.
If you can, check out his oevre. Here’s My Own Moon:
https://youtu.be/_NwWmX1YJTQ